Because Relationships Matter

Door Mat Syndrome

I have no clinical evidence for this condition, but I see it regularly.

One person in a relationship sets their own needs aside for the other person. This person assumes the role of door mat. "Go ahead and walk over me - wipe your feet well, and I'll get myself all washed up and put in place for the next time you need me in this role!"

It is done with loving intentions and often with the logic, "I want you to feel valued. I want you to feel good about you." The logic is flawed. It doesn't work, and it generally makes the other person feel less valued. Additionally, both people in the relationship often see themselves in the role without recognizing it in the other.

"I matter" (aka "my feelings matter") communicates significance. "I know I matter. I choose to be in relationship with because you matter too." Both people matter...equally.

"I don't matter" (aka "my feelings don't matter") communicates insignificance. "I know I matter, but you matter more. I want you to feel special. Why don't you feel special? Let me try harder."

When you set yourself aside for others on a regular basis with the hope that it will inspire change in someone else, it's not helpful. If someone is willing to be taken advantage of, and they want me to join the club, I want to get distance from them.

After setting our feelings aside in varying degrees, we may hit our limit and want out of the door mat role. "I'm done being the door mat in this relationship! My feelings matter, and you've been ignoring my feelings for years! You'll never change! "

While it's great to acknowledge our significance, we can still be in the dark. Blinded by our own pride, we become certain that "I've done all I can." We move from one extreme to the other. We over-correct. It can easily slip into feeling like a victim. It's not necessary to scream, "Don't walk on me!"

Own responsibility for the choices that have been made. Your needs matter. They don't matter less than others, but they also don't matter more.  

Happy Endings & Happy Beginnings

Something great has to end for something great to begin.

• Parents want great things for their kids. Kids want great things for themselves.
  • The direction of love is toward the kids -- it's not about the parents. 
• Parents and kids have to let go of each other.
  • It can be a challenging process for both.  
• When parents let go first, it's better for the kids.
  • Even without words, the parent speaks boldly, "You can do this!" 

Our daughter, Amy, got married this past weekend. Here's a picture of my husband, Jeff, rehearsing the moves for the next day.

He lead the way in the process of letting go. I'm so proud of him. Amy looks pretty excited about it too!

She took the arm of another great man in her husband, who also happens to be named Jeff!

Respect me!

In honor of Mother's Day, I have some thoughts for parents. This knowledge comes directly from having lived it -- we acted pretty ridiculous at times trying to make our kids do what we wanted; they're adults now, and hindsight is so very clear!

I often hear parents say, "I won't put up with disrespect!" I think to myself, "Wonder how respectful you'll behave as you try to do that?" (Ok, sometimes it actually does come out my mouth.)

If we look in the mirror, it's sorta comical how parents scream, or pout (aka "silent treatment"), or punish, or guilt ("I would have never talked to my parents the way you talk to me!"). It's a dark comedy.

Do you want your kids to respect you or to act respectfully? If you want to be respected, it's about you. If you want them to act respectfully, it's about them. 

Go first. Model it. Feel like losing control? So angry you can't see straight? Want to tell them to straighten up or get out?

• Put yourself in timeout so you aren't throwing a tantrum.
• Don't say anything until you can say it without sarcasm.
• Treat them respectfully regardless of how they treat you; this does not mean being a doormat.
• If you are successful in overpowering your kids to get respect, they'll ultimately believe they are powerless.

Get the book Screamfree Parenting, by Hal Runkel, even if you don't scream; it's available in the GCC bookstore. It's really helpful! Being a great parent matters. 

Be the adult. Do the hard work to figure it out. You'll benefit. Your children will benefit. It's never too late...Happy Mother's Day!

"It's all about the kids."

I confess. I was one of millions who tuned in last night to hear the news from Jon & Kate + 8 about their decision to move from separation to divorce. It's on every tabloid cover, and I don't have much interest, but yet...I watched. Puzzling.

On too many occasions to count, they mentioned that the kids have been the top priority in their lives above their marriage. Sad. I'm hoping they'll recognize the problem with how their lives have been prioritized.

Marriage works best with priorities of God, spouse, kids, everything else. I hope they have a wise friend who loves them enough to tell them. 

The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, and a wise friend's timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. Proverbs 25:11-12 

Not the Brady Bunch

The Brady Bunch ideal of parental love is locked in our minds. It's the blended family ideal that makes people like this guy want to put himself into the picture! 

I was the product of my parents' second marriage. They had 6 kids combined when I came along. They divorced when I was 19 before proceeding to their 3rd set of wedding vows.

Some friends just married, and they each have 3 kids. They were preparing to tell their children (ages 6 - 11). I gave some counseling input which they said was helpful. Since I know some others in similar situations, I thought I'd share it here. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

• Marriage is about you - giving priority to one another as a couple.
• Telling the kids is all about them - focus on their emotions. It's not about you.
• Tell each of your kids separately; they'll have the space to react without the pressure of potentially hurting the feelings of anyone in their new step parent or siblings.
• Say it as simply and matter of fact as possible. "We have decided to get married. If you have any questions – now or later – you can ask.”
• Avoid “How do you feel about that? What do you think? Are you ok with it?" questions. They likely don't how they feel or what they think - asking just forces them to give an answer. Kids often reach distorted conclusions about stuff anyway - asking them to “make a conclusion” doesn't help. 
• Most of the emotions and questions are going to be about this new family. Their mom and dad aren’t together. This stinks for them. 

When you're all together in this new blended family, there's more to talk about: keep it simple - it's heavy stuff, but make it brief (over ice cream or pizza or something the kids can look down at rather than having direct eye contact with you).

• "We both hoped to only get married once. Both of us got divorced. Divorce is sad. We aren’t getting divorced – ever."
• "It is sad that your own mom and dad aren’t married." You're not telling them what to feel - simply stating that divorce is sad.
• You only have one mom and dad. You don’t have two. I’m not trying to replace your mom/dad. I’ll just love you like a mom/dad.
• You’re not my kids but I’ll love you and take care of you and protect you like you’re my kids.
• It’s confusing. You can just ask questions to either of us when it comes up. We’re all learning how to do this, but you can trust that we’ll get it figured out.

Prepare for some questions.

• What do I call you? Keep calling me whatever you've called me or you can call me something different. You get to decide.
• Can you spank me? Punish me? That’s a good question. What are your concerns if I do?
• How come you got divorced? Adults divorce for adult reasons. They aren’t good reasons. Divorce shouldn’t happen but it does. It’s sad.
• How do you know you won’t get divorced? We’re gonna keep God at the center of our marriage. God will be like glue – we’ll be stuck together. (Known any kids that don't love glue? Glue is good!)