Because Relationships Matter

...the less I know

There have been occasions when people have said to me, "I feel like so much of what I've been taught about God from my church is a lie." Those are pretty strong words, but I've heard them often enough to make me notice them.

They may be referring to a Catholic church, a Baptist church, a small church, a mega-church, your church, or my church. I don't think it's the fault of the Church itself. The beliefs of the Church are taught and lived out by the people of it. Some are leaders and some are followers, but what they have in common is the nature as humans. 

Human nature gravitates toward predictability, control, methods, etc. We feel more secure when we know what to expect.

Jeff & I were talking with some friends about what we all have been taught about salvation. There were a few variations, but the steps pointed to the same methodology. There was a time when having an exact process was comforting to me. It's no longer the case.

The day after that conversation, I saw this blog post by Donald Miller in which he wrote of "our drive to define God with a mathematical theology". Beyond knowing that we're loved by God, and he wants us live out our days loving one another, the continuing knowledge strengthens my perspective of God as wonderfully mysterious. There's a beautiful tension in those words.  

I don't think a specific church or the Church has lied to me. I think it's a process of understanding that the more I learn about God, the less I know.  

Atmosphere for Change

"How do I make them want to...stop drinking, start studying, spend time with me, help me with the chores, be responsible with money, show up for work, take care of their health, talk to me about problems, help themselves or stop hurting themselves...?"

It's a common question pattern. The less-often-stated, but more revealing, question is, "How can I get them to do what I want them to do? If they would, I would feel better."  Ouch.

People don't generally make lasting change to make someone else feel better. When or if they do, it often leads to other problems,  co-dependent or enmeshed relationships.

People are most likely to change when they experience acceptance right where they are at. 

"I can not condone what they're doing! I just don't agree. I can't just look the other way?" Acceptance can be offered without agreeing, understanding, or celebrating the behavior of another. 

While acceptance isn't easy to offer, it is possible. This phrase has helped me, "If it were so easy for them to change, they already would have. While I might think that it's not that hard, I'm not them. They have all the information they need for whenever they choose to apply it."

I've found that if I focus on changing my behavior toward the other person, it often creates an atmosphere where they can more freely choose to change rather than feeling controlled. 

Inhale. Exhale.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and death. At some point, your heart just stops beating. Breathing stops. Done. Your life is over. 

We don't get to know. We don't know if there's some cell in us that's going to become cancer, or if cancer is already at work but yet undetected. We don't know about the car accident or the heart attack that's around the corner today, next week, next year. Other than suicide or life support systems, we don't know.

It can happen - in a heartbeat.(Sorry. This is depressing. Our son has told me often, "Thanks Mom. You know how to kill a good mood with your stories." Hang in here with me...)

What do we do? We live. We try to pretend. We try not to think about it. We busy ourselves.

That doesn't make any sense either. The odds of death are currently 100%.

We distract ourselves with life problems. They are sometimes big problems: loss of a job, a divorce, a DUI offense, or an out-of-control kid. They are sometimes little problems that are made to be big: problems at work, a spouse who is inconsiderate at times, a speeding ticket, or a kid who is acting like a kid.

If you got a call that someone you love had died in an instant, the perspective on problems would change in an instant. Life problems are all important AND not important at all.

We get this tiny little life with this limited time. What will we do with it? Other than the love we have and the love we have to give, everything else is insignificant.  

Inhale how much you are loved. Exhale it regularly to those around you.  

Try Softer

When you feel controlled, the tendency is to try harder to get control. This leaves you being the person trying to control others. It's very human. It's not helpful.

Trying to get control creates power struggles. Power struggles poison relationships.

The challenge: be in control of yourself and your own behavior. Others will still be trying to control you, and you will still feel frustrated or attacked, but you will experience much less chaos and much greater peace. 

Kid's games provide a great image. When someone wants to play Tug-of War, don't take the rope. When you're invited to play Tag with someone, don't chase them. When you find yourself on the teeter-totter with someone, just sit there with your feet planted firmly and allow them to dangle in the air -- don't push off. See the games for what they are, and don't play.

Another great lesson comes from water. Warning signs at a beach with rip currents have these instructions.

Rip currents can kill. Learn how to identify them. If caught in a rip current, don't panic. Swim parallel to shore until current weakens. Then swim to shore. 

1. Don't fight the current. 2. Swim out of the current and then to shore. 3. If you can't escape, float or tread water. 4. If you need help, signal for assistance.

Try softer. Understand what you can control, change what you can, and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

External Structure

“When your maturity is not strong enough to change something, add external structure.” –Henry Cloud

• Continue to procrastinate on exercise? Make an appointment with a trainer or a friend to exercise with.
• Want to stop eating cookies and ice cream for evening snacks? Don't buy them and have them in the house.
• Trying to stop spending money on items that would be cool to have? Don't go shopping as entertainment.

This method has potential to move you from where you are to where you want to be.

However, there are two ways people tend to interrupt it. 

1. I've heard people say, "I should be able to do this on my own! I should be able to control myself. I should have known better." In other words, they should all over themselves.
2. They cancel or don't show up for the exercise dates; cookies and ice cream stuff come in bulk at social events, fast food or convenience store stops; and online shopping is always present to drain the wallet. In other words, they sabotage their own progress.

The whole idea is to face reality. Accept where you are. Do what you need to move forward, and adjust as you go. 

Happy Endings & Happy Beginnings

Something great has to end for something great to begin.

• Parents want great things for their kids. Kids want great things for themselves.
  • The direction of love is toward the kids -- it's not about the parents. 
• Parents and kids have to let go of each other.
  • It can be a challenging process for both.  
• When parents let go first, it's better for the kids.
  • Even without words, the parent speaks boldly, "You can do this!" 

Our daughter, Amy, got married this past weekend. Here's a picture of my husband, Jeff, rehearsing the moves for the next day.

He lead the way in the process of letting go. I'm so proud of him. Amy looks pretty excited about it too!

She took the arm of another great man in her husband, who also happens to be named Jeff!

Humility

John Dickson taught at Leadership Summit on the importance of humility for leadership. It's critical for life and relationships too, which I suppose are all places where we lead.

While it's a common word, it's not unusual for people to ask me, "What does it mean to be humble?" He described it in terms of 5 characteristics. 

• Humility is common sense.
  • What we can't do far exceeds what we can do. 
  • Humility is a reflection of the deep foundations of reality.
• Humility is beautiful.
  • We are more attracted to the great who are humble than to the great who want us to know it.
• Humility is generative.
  • It is the place of growth.
  • For the wise person, criticism, even untrue, will bring incredible growth.
• Humility is persuasive.
  • The most believable people are the people who are believed to have your best interest at heart.
  • Humble people have character and are trustworthy.
  • Humble people have more influence to be be believed.
• Humility is inspiring.
  • When leaders appear transparent or approachable, we believe we can be like them.
  • The humble person maximizes the potential of others by building others up rather than them self. 

3 Types of People

Henry Cloud taught at Leadership Summit on this topic. He described 3 categories of people in terms of what you can expect from them and how you can best respond to them when you give them feedback. He based it on the assumptions that the feedback is a true picture of reality, it is communicated well, with care, etc. 

• Wise People 
  • When the truth, reality, is given to them, the wise person adjusts themselves to match reality. They change themselves or their situation to match reality.
  • When they receive feedback that is true, the wise person will thank you.
    • When leading wise people, talk to them.
    • Make sure they are a match for the role they are in.
    • Keep them challenged appropriately.
• Foolish People 
  • They are actually gifted, which is why fools are able to achieve what they do. 
  • When foolish people are given the truth, reality, the foolish person tries to adjust the truth by minimizing it, excusing it, or shooting the messenger.
  • Foolish people are not happy with the truth, and they get angry; they become divisive.
  • To interact with foolish people effectively, you have to get hopeless about them. If you continue to hope for this person, you are not facing reality about this person.
  • Stop trying to convince them to accept the truth. Limit your exposure to the pattern.
  • Give choices. Follow through on consequences.
  • Fools change when they can't get rid of the truth. It will happen when the pain of changing is less than the pain of not changing.
  • If you can lead them with wisdom, remember that they are gifted, and you still may benefit from them.
• Evil People 
  • They have destruction in their hearts. Evil people want to inflict pain.
  • When you want to give the evil person truth, they will try to destroy you.
  • Protect yourself.

Don't let people derail you from doing the right thing. All of us have a little of all of these qualities in us. Some people have more of these qualities than others!

 

From a guy to guys

Donald Miller wrote this post about how men can write and live a love story. The post is pretty long in it's entirety. Here are some excerpts, his words, that I think may be helpful to both the men and women I know who are committed to making their marriages thrive.

Stop validating yourself with women. This is a pretty serious problem for many men....Men who do not believe they have what it takes to live life well and with strength will validate themselves with women. They just aren't sure they're manly, so they have to test themselves all the time....A guy can get hooked on that feeling of having a girl like him....Stop validating yourself with women....

Stop having sex and learn to make love. ....A woman often wants a deep, soul connection....She wants words of affirmation and eye contact and playful fun that only happens in intimacy. Why was the sex no good...? Because the relationship was no good. That said, start being a man who knows how to connect with women. As ferociously as possible, find that woman's heart and connect to it. Learn everything about her and connect with her in as many ways as possible....

Bring peace into chaos. I firmly believe that the job of a man is to bring peace into chaos. He can look into a woman's lonely heart and see how easily it could be loved....A man brings peace and order into chaos. You have what it takes to do this, I believe it firmly. You were designed to bring a wake of peace everywhere you go.

Develop strength. ....Be tender to her, but be absolutely ferocious with anybody who takes advantage of her. If you aren't a strong man, practice. Take stands, don't be a pushover, protect the ones you love, and be willing to make a few enemies.

A Gift for the Giver

Many people get more enjoyment out of doing kind things for others than having kind things done for them. It feels good to make someone else feel special -- to make them feel like they matter and are important to you.

My husband is notorious for successfully guessing his gifts before he opens them. It was quite frustrating for the giver (that would be me!) I remember Jeff's expression when I finally surprised him with a pair of nice sunglasses a few years ago. He loved it, I loved it - a great win-win!

If everyone wants to give, someone has to be willing to receive. It's generally easy to find greedy people; I'm talking about good and solid relationships with those who love you.

When have you provided the opportunity for someone to give you something? When have you put yourself in a posture of accepting a gift?

I wonder what it's like for God to hear these comments from people willing to be real.

I know God has forgiven me, but what I've done is too bad for me to accept it -- it's just too horrible. 

I don't think I know how to accept God's love for me as unconditional. In my mind, it should be conditional for what I do. If I'm not loved for what I do, I can't figure out why God would love me. It doesn't make any sense. 

Accept God's gifts with open arms -- it may be the one thing he's hoping you'll do for him.