Because Relationships Matter

Door Mat Syndrome

I have no clinical evidence for this condition, but I see it regularly.

One person in a relationship sets their own needs aside for the other person. This person assumes the role of door mat. "Go ahead and walk over me - wipe your feet well, and I'll get myself all washed up and put in place for the next time you need me in this role!"

It is done with loving intentions and often with the logic, "I want you to feel valued. I want you to feel good about you." The logic is flawed. It doesn't work, and it generally makes the other person feel less valued. Additionally, both people in the relationship often see themselves in the role without recognizing it in the other.

"I matter" (aka "my feelings matter") communicates significance. "I know I matter. I choose to be in relationship with because you matter too." Both people matter...equally.

"I don't matter" (aka "my feelings don't matter") communicates insignificance. "I know I matter, but you matter more. I want you to feel special. Why don't you feel special? Let me try harder."

When you set yourself aside for others on a regular basis with the hope that it will inspire change in someone else, it's not helpful. If someone is willing to be taken advantage of, and they want me to join the club, I want to get distance from them.

After setting our feelings aside in varying degrees, we may hit our limit and want out of the door mat role. "I'm done being the door mat in this relationship! My feelings matter, and you've been ignoring my feelings for years! You'll never change! "

While it's great to acknowledge our significance, we can still be in the dark. Blinded by our own pride, we become certain that "I've done all I can." We move from one extreme to the other. We over-correct. It can easily slip into feeling like a victim. It's not necessary to scream, "Don't walk on me!"

Own responsibility for the choices that have been made. Your needs matter. They don't matter less than others, but they also don't matter more.  

From a guy to guys

Donald Miller wrote this post about how men can write and live a love story. The post is pretty long in it's entirety. Here are some excerpts, his words, that I think may be helpful to both the men and women I know who are committed to making their marriages thrive.

Stop validating yourself with women. This is a pretty serious problem for many men....Men who do not believe they have what it takes to live life well and with strength will validate themselves with women. They just aren't sure they're manly, so they have to test themselves all the time....A guy can get hooked on that feeling of having a girl like him....Stop validating yourself with women....

Stop having sex and learn to make love. ....A woman often wants a deep, soul connection....She wants words of affirmation and eye contact and playful fun that only happens in intimacy. Why was the sex no good...? Because the relationship was no good. That said, start being a man who knows how to connect with women. As ferociously as possible, find that woman's heart and connect to it. Learn everything about her and connect with her in as many ways as possible....

Bring peace into chaos. I firmly believe that the job of a man is to bring peace into chaos. He can look into a woman's lonely heart and see how easily it could be loved....A man brings peace and order into chaos. You have what it takes to do this, I believe it firmly. You were designed to bring a wake of peace everywhere you go.

Develop strength. ....Be tender to her, but be absolutely ferocious with anybody who takes advantage of her. If you aren't a strong man, practice. Take stands, don't be a pushover, protect the ones you love, and be willing to make a few enemies.

A Strong Man

I've been thinking about the strength of men. God has wired it into them.

From where I sit as a counselor, I encounter conversations with men about their personal lives and with women about the men in their lives. In strength, men have the capacity to create a safe and secure atmosphere for their wives, children, and families. Their strength has the capacity to solidify their identity as the man God created them to be. 

The strength of men is not recognized or realized. It is a huge source of untapped potential to save marriages, raise great kids, and create strong families. Women and children have a desire to lean on strong men; as insecurity grows in them, the wife and kids learn to become self-sufficient and don't even bother trying anymore. 

As I've developed as a counselor, I've gotten more tuned into recognizing it. The pattern has emerged as one of the strongest I've seen; I've found myself engaged in this conversation much more often. It makes me a bit crazy to watch it happen. 

Fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, and fear of failure all play a huge role in it. Unfortunately, these things are rarely described as fear. They are demonstrated in behavior that is macho or pleasing, passive or explosive, defensive or indifferent -- basically, the things that destroy the foundations of safety and security for wives, children, and families.

Those fears often stem from men believing they are unloved, insignificant, or not good enough. These become the identity of men. Sadly, those get masked even further behind identities of career, money, sex, and power. They are rarely recognized or communicated for what they are -- lies straight from hell.

Fear isn't the problem. What you do when you feel afraid, IS. If someone is breaking in your home at night, you will feel fear. If you hide under the covers and push your wife out of bed to go investigate, that's a problem!

Use the strength God has wired in you with to do the right thing. It's called courage. It is what is needed when you feel afraid.    

The solutions are the same as they are for most things. Spend time regularly rooting yourself in the truth of your identity: you are loved, you are significant, you matter. Deal with your feelings or your feelings will deal with you.  

Father's Day is this Sunday. Regardless of how the man in your life behaves, make sure you communicate the truth about them to them. Love them well!

Friends after Divorce

"I want us to still be friends," said the spouse who is initiating divorce action.

Since these divorce situations are in epidemic proportion, I'm frequently exasperated as I listen to the spouse who wants to stay married. As they try to understand how the person who wants to abandon their marriage commitment also wants to stay friends, they feel like they're going crazy. (That's what happens to you when you try to make sense of words that are crazy!)

This person who is already feeling rejected now feels like attempting to stay friends is their only hope at saving their marriage. They act like a puppy dog waiting to be thrown a bone, and they too often stay on that pathway all the way to the ink drying on the divorce papers. Some even stay on it beyond the divorce as some spouses say things like, "You never know, we might remarry someday."

It really ticks me off! I can hardly stay in my chair as I listen to the injustice. I generally end up saying something like, "I'm sorry, it just makes me a little crazy seeing this depth of manipulation." Intentional or not, it's manipulative.

People can be civil and cooperative and not be friends. Friends invest time and care in one another. Friendship is an inherent quality of a great marriage. I listened to our son this weekend, referring to his bride, say, "We like hanging out with just each other." (It warms a parent's heart!)  

"If the foundation of friendship isn't present to stay married, and if there's no commitment to work on it in order to remain married, then why would you want to invest in the foundation for the friendship when you're divorced?" When I ask that question, I'm relieved when it appears to be a wake-up call for the person I'm talking with.

When it's not, there's little I'm going to be able to say. They have drank the Kool-aid of crap their spouse is offering them, and their savoring every drop of it. They are worshipping their spouse, a counterfeit God.

When God said, "Have no other gods before me," it wasn't because God is needy. It's because he love us. Other gods lead us to worshipping Crazy.      

Submit

Ephesians 5:21-23 "Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not be domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership,wives should likewise submit to their husbands." 

When anyone reminds, requests, demands, begs, or instructs their spouse to submit, respect, or obey them, they are a seriously confused person. Likewise, it can be seriously confusing to their spouse who often makes it worse by making attempts to submit, respect, and obey. When we submit to bullying by others or submit to neediness from others, we feed their bullying and needy behavior. It won't satisfy their demands for power; they'll only do it more!  

God knew that we would have problems seeing ourselves or others as a god. He said many times, "Have no other gods before me." He knew the solution for our confusion was to keep our sole focus on God -- nothing else!

Jesus modeled what submission looks like as stated in Hebrews 5:7, "During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submision." Jesus didn't submit to his abusers, to those who would not bow to God themselves. Jesus submitted to God. 

Jesus further taught us how to handle the confusion of being in relationship with those trying to be a god.  Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Commitment

What does commitment mean? Your mortgage, your health, your marriage, your children, your church, your God -- if you're committed to one (or all, hopefully in varying priority), is it more likely that you'll be committed to all of them?  

Four marriages are on my mind the past few days. Divorce papers have been prepared in two of them. Inappropriate sexual behavior is present in two of them; an affair is suspected in the third one. Two of the marriages show decent signs for reconciliation and thriving. Two don't stand much of a chance. 

I've heard two statements about commitment in the four marriages.

• I am committed to my spouse, and my behavior needs to start demonstrating that commitment.
• I'm not sure that I committed to the right person.

I'm not writing about the trite religiosity statement I hear often, "I can't get divorced. God doesn't believe in divorce." You can get divorced. People do it all the time. God doesn't believe in being bitter and hateful either, so that's really not the point.

The point is the amount of confusion about commitment. For the record, the official dictionary definition: an agreement or pledge to do something in the future.

Mark Beeson's words from years ago changed my commitment to God, my husband, my kids, and my church. "Commitment is never casual. We're not playing church. If you want to be a part of what we're doing, join us. If you don't, then give up your seat and your parking space for someone who does."

God talks about his promises in Isaiah 45:22-23 (MSG), "I am God, the only God there is, the one and only. I promise in my one name: every word out of my mouth does what it says. I never take back what I say." 

The Fence

People that I talk with often give me illustrations for what they're experiencing. This one captivated me. A man described how he is feeling; his wife is seeking a divorce after 20+ years.

The pattern of their marriage problem is common. I wrote two posts about the pattern: 1st, 2nd. 

His wife followed Jesus throughout their marriage. He made a decision to follow Jesus about 7 weeks ago; his wife's announcement that she wanted a divorce was the catalyst for the changes he's making.

"I feel like there's this fence between us. I'm leaning over the fence as far as I possibly can with my arm and hand extended as far as I possibly can. I'm certain that if she'll come close enough to let me hold onto her, if I get another opportunity, I'll never let go this time. 

She told me that the only way she could see that this might work is if she's given the opportunity to come closer to the fence.

She's waited on me for 24 years. God's waited on me for 47 years. I know that I'm not going anywhere. I think it's my turn to wait."

Jesus is the only thing I can describe for the intensity of the change that's happened in him over the past 7 weeks. I want to be VERY CLEAR -- this is not a "I gave my life to Jesus and I'm just a different person" story. This is a "I gave my life to Jesus, and I am a sponge soaking up who this Jesus is through steps at my church, reading, thinking, writing, talking" story.

What I see...he came close enough to the fence, and Jesus isn't letting go!

The Love Dare

The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick is is what I'm reading.

  I have a great husband and marriage, and yes, I feel loved. (Seriously, if you lived with me, it's crazy how well Jeff loves me!)

So, why am I reading it? I want to love well. It's not more complicated than that. This might be the best Valentine's gift you could do for the person you love!

It's a book that is set up for 40 days of reading. Each day averages 2- 3 pages. While this book isn't about communication skills, personalities, and the typical "Make your marriage better" books, it's brilliant! It just gets to the heart of it all.

Because too many people will read it and respond, "I tried it. It didn't work. My spouse is still a jerk. My marriage is still bad," I tell them this.

It will be VERY IMPORTANT that you focus yourself every time you pick up the book.  

 “This is not a method so that I can feel loved. The Love Dare is about helping me love well. I want to be faithful to God to love my spouse well – regardless of what my spouse does. I am going to love well.

This does not mean that I have to set all my needs aside sacrificially, or that I have to be a door mat. From taking in how much I’m loved by God, I want to love well. Beginning with feeling God’s love for me, I will go from there to love my spouse well as I work through growing my own heart.” 

Do not measure the effectiveness by a change in your spouse. Measure the effectiveness by a change in how you respond to your spouse.

Just to be certain this is clear: DO NOT BUY IT AND GIVE IT TO THEM! Oh my --- it's for you to read!

It's been a top seller at the GCC Bookstore, so it's even 20% off!

I matter - matters!

Is our ability to experience "I matter to God" the source of everything?

I have talked in epidemic proportions (quantities more alarming than Swine Flu!) with people who have an unfaithful spouse showing no signs of remorse. (A truly repenting spouse can lead to a very healthy marriage.) 

The common distorted statement from the cheated on person is, "I don't want to drive them further away!" My consistent response is, "You matter enough to have your spouse be committed to you and to your marriage." They nod their head in agreement through tears, but they too often don't believe it in their heart.  

"I matter to God" is the source of all understanding. We are God's plan A. All roads lead back to God, Jesus, the cross, and our significance to the Creator of the Universe.  

Until we get that, we just don't get it. Even then, it comes to us like layers of an onion. God keeps peeling off layers of our selves --- until we can see. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27

From my earliest days as a GCC visitor in early 1999, I heard the message, "You matter to God" often. Immediately, my throat got a lump and my eyes filled with tears. I now have the amazing opportunity to speak those words to people. Observing in so many people the same response that I personally experienced is only another confirmation to me that it is Truth.  

Door Mat Syndrome, Part 2

This pattern of behavior shows up in about 50% of my counseling sessions, and in about 80% of marriage counseling sessions. It's that common. I'm tired of divorce.

After a person sets their feelings aside in varying degrees for many years (30+ is not uncommon!), they often hit their limit and want out of the door mat role. "I'm done being the door mat in this relationship! My feelings matter, and you've been ignoring my feelings for years! You'll never change! "

While it's great that they decide to acknowledge their own significance, they are still in the dark. They become blinded by their own pride as they move from one extreme to the other. They are certain, "I've done all I can."  

God has a lot to say about pride, but he nets it out clearly in one of the earliest times. "I'll break down your stubborn pride," Lev. 26:19. 

The one who has walked on the 'door mat' has plenty of responsibility for the unhealthy relationship, but the one in the door mat role is not a victim. They set their own needs aside for many years often while praying for their partner to change. However, what they often miss is that God wants to change them. "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Prov. 11:2. 

The role of door mat is the role of martyr. It is not the role of loving one another. "If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere." 1 Cor. 13:3.