Because Relationships Matter

Loving the Unlovable

A spouse, a child, a parent, a relative, a neighbor, a friend, a boss, a co-worker, a customer, a cashier, a waitress, a mechanic, a dentist, a politician, a criminal...a stranger - there's always someone who just isn't that easy to love!

If they would just act lovable, I'd have a lot easier time doing the "Love one another" thing. 

Jesus didn't provide any conditions in which it wasn't warranted. No outs. No excuses. No disclaimers.

That sucks. How do you do that? Where do you start?

You can't give what you don't have. Slow down. Recognize how much you are loved. Take it in. Breathe it in. Read it in. Soak it in.

It's not a one-time process. It needs to be repeated often.  

Luke 6 (MSG): Here's a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back?

Why are you loving?

It seems like an odd question, which explains why people often are puzzled when I ask it to them.

When people feel unloved, they often give me examples of how loving they are. Although they don't say these words, I hear, "Look how loving I am!"

I read the perfect explanation and solution contained in this post by Don Miller.

Like any addiction, self addiction is a matter of motives and manipulation. Motives can be twisted and we can easily become deceived about why we do what we do. Do we love because we love, or do we love in order to be loved? The first is pure, the second isn't any more selfless than not loving at all. When we love in order to gain security, the person we are loving is just being used....

When we meditate on how much God loves us instead of on how loving we are, we tend to love others selflessly out of a feeling of completion, while if we meditate on how much we love others in order to get them to love us back, we love others out of a sense of compulsion or need.

...It all sounds like mind gymnastics, but it doesn't have to be that hard. The best thing I can do to love my friends is to think about and live within the truth that God loves me. This is the only way I can live and love without expecting a return on my investment. The real love will happen naturally once I understand my need is met. I don't have to think about my motives at all.

You matter to God. You are loved.

If it was that easy...

When people won't be who we want them to be, won't do what we want them to do, it can drive us crazy!

It has lead me to hurt, anger, resentment, pride, and toward a path of toxic crap. My words and actions aren't nice, aren't good, and aren't helpful. Consequently, I start making the other person crazy too!

It's not good. It's dangerous. The path can be endless until it destroys the relationship and you.

"If it was that easy for people to change, they already would have."

This is a phrase, a truth, that has helped me. It's helped me a lot! It keeps me humble. It makes it easier for me to change: to be the right person, to do helpful things. I say it often. I received this email. I thought it was worth sharing.

"You know what keeps running through my head today...your words, ' If it was so easy to change, they already would have.' You've said that to me many times....today, those words are ringing out to me.

I've been stuck in a rut for 8-10 months. I usually try to analyze it, to fix it. I'm trying to just see it.

I complain about what my spouse does, how they act, etc. I'm no better. I'm an angry, hateful, prideful, stubborn, cold, heartless, and judgmental person right now and have been for nearly a year. I'm not excusing my spouse for their junk, but their behavior is reasonable; I've been an ass to live with too.

When I'm dug in, I say: I don't care; it doesn't matter; I don't want to work hard enough to change. I feel like a monster. I'm stone-cold, cold as ice, numb...

As I write this, I'm tearing up a little. I guess there's someone with a heart in there, and if I listen...it's a good heart.

For the first time, I'm just going to sit with it a bit. I think it's the first time I've been able to put words to what's been in my heart for a long time."

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Intentions

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."Despite our intentions, we do hurtful things to others, and we feel hurt by others.

When we recognize that our words or actions have been hurtful, apologize. "Regardless of my intention, I have no excuse. I am sorry." It's simple, but it ain't easy! Do it.

What if you have been hurt, but no apology has been given? What then?

The method I use: give what I want them to give me. What do I hope they think of my intentions?

My communication style is direct. I'm transparent. If peole don't know my intentions, my heart, they can see "arrogant". If people know my intentions, my heart, they can look past "me" to understand what I was trying to say. (It's why I often pray John 3:30, He must become greater; I must become less.)

As a counselor, it involves talking. Words aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. With a direct communication style, my words can be hurtful. When I know about it, I apologize.

Because I'm aware of the potential, I choose my words carefully...usually. When I get too relaxed, too comfortable, it can be dangerous. But if I'm tense, people won't open up to me. My ability to help people know they matter, to understand my intentions, my heart, is critical!

In my other relationships, I enjoy spending time with peole who know me. It's relaxing. I trust they know my heart, my intentions, who I am at my core. I really value relationships where I feel known.

When I think I'm known, and then learn they don't get my intentions, it's really hurtful to me. I don't trust they know me. It doesn't mean they intended to be hurtful; it means they don't know me as well as I thought.

When I don't feel known, I'm generally quiet. (I've learned that if input isn't solicited, shut up. I still learn that lesson often!) In the midst of silence, people come up with a variety of possible intentions.

Who are others at their core? They are made in the image of God. When they're hurtful, they've turned away from who they were created to be. You don't need to stay in relationship, but don't turn them into villains. They're lost - many Christians are still lost. 

My intention is to be the person God created me to be. Look for good intentions in others. Go first. 

Love

Valentine's Day brings lots of things to mind...hearts, roses, chocolate, love. Generally, it's the images of romantic love.  

I talk with people when the romance of their relationship is gone, and feelings of love aren't showing up too much either. In those places, the images are pretty ugly...bitterness, anger, tears, hurt.

In the midst of the sadness, I continue to be amazed by the beauty of real love...

• when someone listens to the unspoken words and understands what the person they love is feeling
• when a parent moves beyond protecting their child from pain and chooses to walk beside them as they grow through it
• when someone slumped over in the toxin of shame pulls themselves upright to take in the healing of forgiveness 

When real love shows up, the beauty of it lights up the whole picture! It overtakes the darkness. It takes my breathe away and gives me life.

When I see it, I am grateful. There's no mistaking the hand of God in those moments.

God's dream for me is to love well?

I received this email from a GCC member who attended the AND Conference this past week. She is able to put in words what many of our people won't be able to communicate -- at least this clearly.

While we were in the Q & A session, Rob Wegner talked about hearing an invitation from Jesus - here's what came to mind: 

Around 3 1/2 years ago, I began to cry and pray - "God, the biggest dream I can imagine is that a man who is in prison for doing crack (while he was in jail) will come home, fall in love with me (even though in the past 10 years he has never expressed any real desire to commit to me), be miraculously healed of all of his addictions, and we will blend our families of 7 different children by 4 different exes (today that is 8 children by 5 exes since he got another girl pregnant almost immediately after he got out of prison) and we will all live happily ever after. I know that sounds so pathetic - but it's all I've got. It's the best I've got. I don't know if that's your dream. I don't know if there's something else. But, if that's not what you want for me, then please, please give me a new dream."

Going out on a limb, I'm pretty certain my biggest dream was NOT God's dream for me.

God has gone about destructing every last shred and tendril of that dream. Wrapped up in that dream were all the lies I believed about who I was, what my worth was, who I SHOULD be, what it meant to be "happy", what it meant to be lovable, acceptable, and whole. As  I've struggled with what feels like the never ending battle with depression, there have been last ditch efforts to hold on to those lies. Some last grasps at clinging to what "feels" normal and right for me.

All that being said, 3 1/2 years later, I still don't have a new dream. Nothing that makes my heart beat fast or inspires me to rush out and save the world. Nothing that makes me sure that if I could just accomplish this one thing or commit my life to that one mission - my life will have had meaning and purpose. I think part of my struggle with "missional or attractional " was rooted in this.

I just don't feel any major urge to go out and feed the hungry or clothe the poor. But for the first time, I'm pretty content to just be. Maybe even accept that I may still struggle with depression or failures or more layers. Maybe God isn't done deconstructing me. 

Or maybe, with everything on my plate, my mission right now is to live the best life I can as a single mother with two (or 3) part time jobs. Accept that my energy and time are very limited at this stage of my life and I can only do a few things really well. Being the sole supporter of my children, and the only active parent in their life is going to take laser focus.

 Maybe I'm right in the middle of God's dream for me, and can't even see it, because I'm still trying to construct it...
Breaking a cycle of false beliefs that have been well-entrenched in family generations is a huge God-sized dream! I've talked to hundreds of people who will serve food to the poor, or even travel to India, but they won't offer grace to their spouse. Loving one another starts with loving those closest to us.

Lean twice as far

DC taught last night, "The amount of exposure to Christ does not equal devotion to Christ." So true!

I'm too often dumbfounded, as I wrote in this post a few years ago, at the stories from long-time Christians of their current destructive relationships. Following Jesus doesn't mean problem free relationships -- I get that. Their efforts appear to have been about more religion rather than more Jesus. 

Maybe it's why I'm equally dumbfounded when those who are relatively new to following Jesus, have this amazing evidence (aka "fruit") showing up in their relationships. They have a ton of explanations for not understanding what it means to be grace-filled to others, and yet, they so willingly offer it. Here's a story one man told me recently.

"My mother is in the final stages of cancer. She will not live long. Our relationship is filled with a bunch of stuff that causes conflict, tension, hurt feelings, and harsh words.

I told her, 'Mom, we're both gonna have to give and lean in a little more." My mom said, 'I can't lean any more than I have.'

I answered, 'Well, I'll just lean twice as far.' She smiled."

"You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors." James 1:3

How will God use me? Part 2

This is Good Friday, the day that Jesus died for me - you - all of us.

As Jesus prepared to sacrifice himself for us, he said in Matthew 26:39, "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?"

Jesus didn't tell God his idea for how God could use him. God told Jesus.

Many people say "I just want to be used by God." They describe their plans for what they're going to do so that it can happen. Sometimes the plans have steps that will take many years. "I want to do this, because I want God to be able to use me."

Planning is great, but the illusion about the conclusion is the problem.

We put God in a box. We have a plan. It's our plan. It's like saying, "You stay right there God, and I'll let you know when I need your help."

Take steps toward your plan. Honor God with your life. Don't use it as an excuse to miss how God wants to use your life right here right now. Be present. God is.

I want God to use me. If I get too busy with my plan for this day, this hour, or this moment, I'll miss it.  

How will God use me?

I received this email. I am so grateful that people share their stories with me. It's affirming to me, and it helps me to see the patterns for processing that we humans use. 

 

I had a very rough weekend struggling with my thoughts and actions along with thinking about my future and what I have and don't have and how my life has ended up in such a lonely mess. I have lost so many people in my life and felt so all alone that I had another melt down.

 

This time it was different, I wanted to take my "feeling sorry for myself" attitude and direct it to God and lean on Him and not contact or run to someone for comfort because I knew deep down that if I did things would really change, that I had to go to God so that He could comfort me.

 

I had to open up my whole heart and sole and speak the truth to Him, to confess my thoughts and actions.  I did and felt drained but also felt comfort.  I know the truth and it will take baby steps to start my actions but it must be done if I have any hope of finding joy. 

 

Kathy, I want to share my life story and not sure how and who I can reach out to. If there is anyone that I can reach out to or become a part of GCC in some way then I want to do it. My life's circumstances just may help someone else and that is a desire and maybe a need out there. I believe it is God wanting me to do this but I am praying about it to make sure. 

 

I love the humility that brings them tip-toeing to God with this idea that God might actually be able to 'use me'. At the same time, this person doesn't need to pray about it to make sure.  

 

God's plan is that we love God and love one another, and we do it through relationships and stories. This story would definitely be helpful to someone. The question is with who, and when, and how? Meet people to see what relationships develop naturally. Create the opportunity for God to work through us.

 

Volunteering is a great place to find relationships at church. The next group environment will be View Point or Starting Point for Singles on Monday, May 3. It's all about relationships!

 

Mark Waltz and I will be saying lots more at Journey in April on Living God's Plan A.

 

What do you believe?

"I'm repulsive."

"I'm a disappointment. I'm a failure."

"I've discarded people. I've treated them like garbage. I hate myself."

On this side of what people believe, a few come to talk to me. The ones I see are simply voicing the concerns for the thousands who believe these same things but never take the step to talk to a counselor. These people are around you too. "We long for light but sink into darkness, long for brightness but stumble through the night," Isaiah 59:9.

I'm praying for them this morning. Who and what does God need me to be in their life? What does God want me to reflect to them? Can God trust me? Can God depend on me? I'm going to have to listen well. I'll have to connect well with God to be prepared, to stand ready, for who he places in my path. 

I can only bring me. You can only bring you. It's God's plan. Love God. Love one another.

On the other side of what people believe, a few circle back to let me know what they're finding. There are many finding their way, discovering that they matter, that they are loved. 

"I am worthy. I am letting God love me. I'm trusting him with my past, present, and future. I know what I am to do. I know how I am to think and act. I know not to do things based on how I feel. What I do matters. I matter."

It's a wonderful gift. Christmas is the reminder. Celebrate it well!