Because Relationships Matter

Helping People Click

"I don't know. We just clicked!" When the click ingrediant shows up in relationships, it's magical. They quickly recognize the feelings of connection, comfort, communication, and it just feels right! It's that piece that people aren't able to explain, but they know when it shows up.

They also know when click isn't there. People show up at our group environments for one or two meetings, and don't come back again. When we get the opportunity to ask about the reasons, "I don't know. It just wasn't for me." They can't really explain it. They just know there was something missing.

Great relationships don't have to include this quick connect feature, but it sure is easier to help people connect when click happens. Ori and Rom Brafman are brothers who wrote Click, The Magic of Instant Connections. I read it last weekend. It reminded me of how we can help create the optimal space for click to be experienced by people in groups. 

• Vulnerability - when you trust others by opening yourself up, it helps others trust you.
• Presence - know the value of great relationship, offer others acceptance, know yourself so you can reflect on your own emotions, and genuinely care to have interest in others.
• Similarity - even in our differences, our shared interest to move forward or face adversity can become the thing that draws us together.   

Group leaders, facilitators, feel defeated when groups don't form. It's true that "Sometimes groups click and sometimes they don't." It's not ALL about them. At the same time, it can diminish the significance of the facilitator role and make it too easy to not look at themselves. I'm trying to help facilitators continue to grow personally so they can be most helpful to others. Love people.   

A time to speak.

A group leader talked to me about a guy in his group.

"He talks all the time about himself. I feel bad saying this. It's almost boring, and it takes a lot of energy to just listen to him."

I asked, "What if you tell him what it's like for you to be with him? If' it's that way in the group, is this why he could be having problems with his wife, with his family, and has difficulty getting close to others?"

"That's why this is so confusing. That doesn't seem Christ-like. I want to be Christ-like." I love the humility and desire of his heart.

"It appears that you have relationship and position to speak into this person's life. Will you care enough about this person to make yourself uncomfortable and have a difficult conversation? Jesus cared enough about us to die, so I guess Christ-like is caring enough to set your needs aside.

Here's a rule of thumb that I've found helpful to use as a guide: If I really want to tell someone something, I should keep quiet. If I really don't want to tell someone something, I probably should. I trust you to decide.

The other person may or may not appreciate it. Try to enter the conversation gently to see if they are in a place where they will be able to hear you. You might try, "What's it like for you to be in our group? What have you noticed about others in the group when you're talking?' It may open the door for you to tell him what it's like for you personally.

You'll need to listen well and not force it. If they become defensive, that's your clue. They aren't ready to hear."

So, that's how I coach our group leaders at GCC. I hope it's helpful.

Simple Gratitude: Connect & Value

As a leader, the most important asset I have are volunteers. They pull with me as hard as they can toward the same goal - helping people know they matter to God. Without them, I can only do what I alone can do, and that's not much! What can I do in response - especially at Christmas - to thank them? 

In past years, we've brought many of our teams together for a meal over the holidays. The teams have grown, and financially, it was just time to find another way. The solution - simple. Spend time together and thank them.

Jeff and I spent a couple evenings this week hosting the volunteers from our Group and Care Ministries to a Christmas Open House in our home. It wasn't fancy - no truffles, cheesecake, or things I couldn't pronounce. Cookies, Oreo pudding, and anything with marshmallows, popcorn, cereals and green and red M&M's mixed in was more the order of the evening!

I really love these people, so I just did the best I could to let them know how much they matter to me and give them a chance to hang out with the people they love.  

I wrote this post on caring for leaders a couple years ago. This remains unchanged. There are four things great leaders must do for the their teams: Connect, Value, Include, and Challenge. They don't just happen. I have to be intentional.

Mark Waltz and others have done it for me, and I want to be a great leader. There's no greater purpose I can give my life to - I want to serve Jesus well by serving those he loves.     

Calling out the Best

Colossians 4:6: Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out.

In Journey this week, Jason Millertaught on Colossians. He highlighted Paul's words about husbands and wives, children and parents, and those inside and outside of the church. In all of our relationships, it's about calling out the best. 

It was really helpful to me. Sometimes my eyes get opened to something and then I start recognizing it all around me. It's weird how that happens to us, isn't it? 

A volunteer ministry leader needs to step away for a while. But they don't just leave; they look to the team they've helped create and raise someone else up to follow them in leadership. They call out the best in them.

Group strategy in the church can get very complex. It doesn't need to be. Our spouse, our kids, our friends - one another - calling out the best in them. 

You promise?

I think I would like to do this, but you promise you won't leave me hanging?

This was the question from one of our newest volunteers asked to facilitate in our group ministry. People want to serve well. They want to succeed.

We need to give them the tools, and help them understand the vision of the group atmosphere we're hoping to create. 

While it is a fair question, it's also a great indicator that we asked the right person. When I see the signs of a hesitant but willing leader, I get really excited!

Is confidence bad? No...but there's something about humility. When we go into new experiences, we'll need to depend on God in ways we never have.

Mark 10:27 (The Message) Jesus was blunt: "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it."

Self-leadership

i’m not a paid staffer. i’m not even a staffer. i’m a volunteer. a volunteer that’s been extended leadership, responsibility & influence. i encourage, support, & lead a team of men and women who create safe environments for people to connect with community and experience Jesus. while i’m not on staff at gcc and i’m not paid for my service, there are still expectations set for me.

These words were written by Heather VanTuinen. She is a key leader in Turning Point. She leads a team of facilitators, leaders themselves. It is a challenging role. Heather is not just a good leader; she's a great leader! I trust her. I trust her...completely.

What makes a great ministry leader?

• loves Jesus, loves others, loves our church
• humility
• hungry to learn
• asks for help
• passionate
• willing to try even new things she hasn't done before
• willing to make mistakes (critical to the previous quality)
• assesses herself frequently
• accepts she is in need of grace
• extends grace

People often ask me, "How do you identify leaders?" Look for those who are leading themselves well. They don't have to be living perfect lives. In fact, their lives are often a mess. I look at how they respond, what they are learning, and what steps they are taking. I look for people who lead their lives by following Jesus.

Space to Learn

No matter how good your training materials are for group leaders, you can't beat what people learn for themselves! This is what a facilitator wrote to me this week.

"...I should just listen more. Honestly? I think the reason I sometimes talk too much is to show how much I (think I) know about pain and how to get over it...yadda, yadda. Which leads me into what I'm discovering about myself in this role. The first couple of meetings I found myself offering little tidbits of my past (just to get the momentum going and to get people to open up more) and how when I said things like 'when I realized this' or 'recovered from that', it was usually after someone else's similar story. I bit my lip the next time because I realized it might sound like I was one-upping everyone in the group. Then later, like the next week I found myself thinking, 'Is that it?! Is that all you are having to deal with and you're acting like this?' and/or 'why don't you just buck up and get on with life?' I'm not always that compassionless, but that is what I was thinking.

Which led me to understand my revelation about myself. I have been through a lot of stuff in my life. I mean tons of stuff. I have come to the conclusion that I have an ability to work through things, learn and grow from it and then get on with life. I have a strength to overcome and go on that I now know not all people have. That my level of tenacity is not in everyone, and that I need to be more willing to make myself vulnerable to their needs and to their pain. That this will in fact create more love and compassion in myself which will grow me even more. It could make me more approachable and less intimidating for some. I just love what God is doing with me, and to think I've been a 'Christian' for about 20 years now. I've been doing the majority of this growth in only the last two years or so."

You can't teach this stuff. Create space for people to learn. 

Gift Fit

"The church won't let me use my spiritual gift." I instinctively take a deep sigh when I hear this. I don't want to hurt the person with my words or tone of voice.

After Paul talks about spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12, he acknowledge that we all want to play an important role. He ends the chapter by saying, "Let me tell you a better way - the most excellent way." Chapter 13 is the love chapter that is read at weddings. It ends with "...faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I'd like to point to that message, but it's not a time when people are in a place to hear. Here's what I have found most effective for the difficult message to deliver.

• Ask questions: How did you to learn these are your spiritual gifts? What do you enjoy most? What have others told you they enjoy most? Nine times out of ten, the gift is not actively being affirmed by others.
• Be honest. You can try a gentle approach encouraging them to volunteer in another way, but they will recognize your diversion tactic. They have a goal and they see you and the church as the roadblock. Detours are not effective. Go direct. "I'm sorry, but I do not see you as a fit for this volunteer role."
• The person with humility may display a genuine interest in how you experience them. Tell them directly and kindly. It is more likely you will see pride or hurt. If they cry, let them experience that pain with you present. If they want to debate with you, don't take the bait! Repeat as needed: "You will not be able to serve in that volunteer role." Dangling carrots of hope for the future isn't helpful. If they change, you will notice.

A few storm off in anger, a few write letters, a few cry, but there are also a few who appreciate the candid feedback. They are trying to find significance. It's respectful to be truthful.

How to tell you...

This was on the subject line in my inbox, and the email was from a key volunteer leader. "Oh no! What happened?" Then in a rush of insecurity, "What have I done to hurt her, disappoint her..."

When I opened it, I was relieved that she was trying to find words to express appreciation for the value she felt from having attended the Leadership Summit. Whew!! "You're very welcome! Don't title an email like that again!"

How to tell you...Caring for leaders is challenging. Leaders are busy. They are the ones used to providing care for others, so they aren't always willing to be recipients. Structured systems for coaching, shepherding, mentoring, etc. haven't worked for us. We've tried all of them in various shapes over varying seasons of ministry.

We've landed at creating and watching for spaces where we can create opportunities for them to be included, valued, challenged, and connected with one another. You can read here about one method we've used.   

New Eyes

When you first step into a new area of leadership, you have a fresh perspective. New volunteers look at things through "new eyes".

Well, I used to have them! It's been less than two years that I've been in this role, and I didn't expect atrophy to set in so soon. I want them back!

As I'm getting ready to leave for the gym this morning, I have this heightened awareness that my vision muscle is experiencing atrophy.

Twice over the last several months, I have had different volunteers ask me a question about the Starting Point ministry. On both occasions, they were just casual questions that really challenged me. As I learned more about what they were experiencing at the launch event, they were making amazingly simple, yet brilliant, suggestions.

As we implemented the ideas and found that they worked, I experienced the "Duh....how did I miss that?" feeling. I'm grateful that we discovered the need for change, but I wonder what else I'm missing that others are seeing as glaringly obvious. I'm grateful for new people who ask questions.

Who's new in your group? On your team? What are they asking? Learn more about their experience.

Paying really close attention to new volunteers is going to be my "workout routine" to keep this muscle active!