Because Relationships Matter

A time to speak.

A group leader talked to me about a guy in his group.

"He talks all the time about himself. I feel bad saying this. It's almost boring, and it takes a lot of energy to just listen to him."

I asked, "What if you tell him what it's like for you to be with him? If' it's that way in the group, is this why he could be having problems with his wife, with his family, and has difficulty getting close to others?"

"That's why this is so confusing. That doesn't seem Christ-like. I want to be Christ-like." I love the humility and desire of his heart.

"It appears that you have relationship and position to speak into this person's life. Will you care enough about this person to make yourself uncomfortable and have a difficult conversation? Jesus cared enough about us to die, so I guess Christ-like is caring enough to set your needs aside.

Here's a rule of thumb that I've found helpful to use as a guide: If I really want to tell someone something, I should keep quiet. If I really don't want to tell someone something, I probably should. I trust you to decide.

The other person may or may not appreciate it. Try to enter the conversation gently to see if they are in a place where they will be able to hear you. You might try, "What's it like for you to be in our group? What have you noticed about others in the group when you're talking?' It may open the door for you to tell him what it's like for you personally.

You'll need to listen well and not force it. If they become defensive, that's your clue. They aren't ready to hear."

So, that's how I coach our group leaders at GCC. I hope it's helpful.

Leading thru Pain

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm in the best place to be leading right now." It's a message that I've heard too often. There's a pattern.

If leaders are having problems, and they aren't taking steps to hold onto Jesus for solutions, then yes, it may be good for them to step down. People watch how we live our lives. Leaders have influence. We need them to lead well. The definition of leading well through the challenges of life is the problem.

Leaders often step away, move away from leadership, move away from community when their own lives get messy. It's exactly the time they need to stay close, be transparent, and lead well from a position of humility.

When am I most effective? In my opinion, it's often when I'm broken. When I share a story of pain, people lean in. When I share my own struggle, people lean in. They don't want to hear about our success without hearing about the struggle. 

Leader's most effective times are not always when the pain is behind them either. People want to know their leaders are real. When we trust people, we are saying, "You matter. You matter so much that I'm willing to trust you enough to be transparent with you."

It communicates significance to others when we let them in. It happens in the context of appropriate sharing and relationship.

• A math professor who tells his adult students about his failing marriage: awkwardly inappropriate. 
• A waitress who tells their customer about her bad date last night: too much information.
• A pastor who tells his people about his own struggles with times of doubt: it helps people feel understood.
• A group leader who talks about their own challenges: it models transparently that they aren't alone. 

Leveraging Your Past

(Homework given by Wess Stafford, Compassion International, at Leadership Summit 2009. If this seems a little too weird for you to try, it may be the clue that it's just what you need.)

Make an appointment with yourself - 30 minutes alone in front of a mirror. Ask God to give you wisdom to understand yourself more clearly than you ever have before. Think back to the little girl/little boy deep inside. After a few minutes, answer these questions:

Who am I? What do I really care about?

What do I believe? What do I value? Why am I the way I am? Why do I do what I do?

Why do I lead what I lead?

What is my leadership story? Where did it begin?

Is my leadership based on joy & fulfillment? If so, who do I owe for it? Who believed in me, before I believed in myself, and launched my leadership? Do they know it? Have I ever thanked them?

Or, am I driven, even in success, by pain, sorrow, or fear? If so, who hurt me? Humiliated or discouraged me? Have I ever forgiven them? Even if they hae not asked for forgiveness or are not even sorry, your allowing them to stayin your heart and mind is not hurting them at all-it's only hurting you.

Whether your passion is fueled by joy or pain, the most profound question you may ever ask yourself is: What am I trying to prove, to whom, and why?

"I will talk to the Father, and he will provide you another Friend, so that you will always have someone with you. This Friend is the Spirit of Truth." John 14

Celebrate you

You know those times when people are just so incredible at what they do that it blows you away? Everyone notices it. You can't help yourself from complimenting them! And then you get this response, "It's not me. It's God." It's like you hit a wall.

Is it ok for Christians to feel good about themselves? Are we afraid that if we acknowledge how wonderful we are, we'll be seen as proud?  

I heard Rob Bell tell a story a few years ago about how he used to respond when he was complimented on his teaching. He would say, "It's not me. It's God." He found that he often had people who were new followers of Jesus who would get a puzzled look on their face and say, "No, I just listened to you give a sermon. It was you. I'm positive it was you."

If we're made in the image of God, we're gonna be pretty incredible creatures! At the same time, he gave us these really human lives. In my linear and logical thinking, that means that when people participate in activities that are aligned with who God created them to be, it should blow our minds! They are literally a reflection of God right here on earth!

I want leaders to embrace how cool they are because it's in that reflection that people will get a glimpse of Jesus. A simple "Thank you!" let's us all enjoy the experience!

"And we, who with unveilved faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being tranformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18

Simple Gratitude: Connect & Value

As a leader, the most important asset I have are volunteers. They pull with me as hard as they can toward the same goal - helping people know they matter to God. Without them, I can only do what I alone can do, and that's not much! What can I do in response - especially at Christmas - to thank them? 

In past years, we've brought many of our teams together for a meal over the holidays. The teams have grown, and financially, it was just time to find another way. The solution - simple. Spend time together and thank them.

Jeff and I spent a couple evenings this week hosting the volunteers from our Group and Care Ministries to a Christmas Open House in our home. It wasn't fancy - no truffles, cheesecake, or things I couldn't pronounce. Cookies, Oreo pudding, and anything with marshmallows, popcorn, cereals and green and red M&M's mixed in was more the order of the evening!

I really love these people, so I just did the best I could to let them know how much they matter to me and give them a chance to hang out with the people they love.  

I wrote this post on caring for leaders a couple years ago. This remains unchanged. There are four things great leaders must do for the their teams: Connect, Value, Include, and Challenge. They don't just happen. I have to be intentional.

Mark Waltz and others have done it for me, and I want to be a great leader. There's no greater purpose I can give my life to - I want to serve Jesus well by serving those he loves.     

You promise?

I think I would like to do this, but you promise you won't leave me hanging?

This was the question from one of our newest volunteers asked to facilitate in our group ministry. People want to serve well. They want to succeed.

We need to give them the tools, and help them understand the vision of the group atmosphere we're hoping to create. 

While it is a fair question, it's also a great indicator that we asked the right person. When I see the signs of a hesitant but willing leader, I get really excited!

Is confidence bad? No...but there's something about humility. When we go into new experiences, we'll need to depend on God in ways we never have.

Mark 10:27 (The Message) Jesus was blunt: "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it."

Self-leadership

i’m not a paid staffer. i’m not even a staffer. i’m a volunteer. a volunteer that’s been extended leadership, responsibility & influence. i encourage, support, & lead a team of men and women who create safe environments for people to connect with community and experience Jesus. while i’m not on staff at gcc and i’m not paid for my service, there are still expectations set for me.

These words were written by Heather VanTuinen. She is a key leader in Turning Point. She leads a team of facilitators, leaders themselves. It is a challenging role. Heather is not just a good leader; she's a great leader! I trust her. I trust her...completely.

What makes a great ministry leader?

• loves Jesus, loves others, loves our church
• humility
• hungry to learn
• asks for help
• passionate
• willing to try even new things she hasn't done before
• willing to make mistakes (critical to the previous quality)
• assesses herself frequently
• accepts she is in need of grace
• extends grace

People often ask me, "How do you identify leaders?" Look for those who are leading themselves well. They don't have to be living perfect lives. In fact, their lives are often a mess. I look at how they respond, what they are learning, and what steps they are taking. I look for people who lead their lives by following Jesus.

Space to Learn

No matter how good your training materials are for group leaders, you can't beat what people learn for themselves! This is what a facilitator wrote to me this week.

"...I should just listen more. Honestly? I think the reason I sometimes talk too much is to show how much I (think I) know about pain and how to get over it...yadda, yadda. Which leads me into what I'm discovering about myself in this role. The first couple of meetings I found myself offering little tidbits of my past (just to get the momentum going and to get people to open up more) and how when I said things like 'when I realized this' or 'recovered from that', it was usually after someone else's similar story. I bit my lip the next time because I realized it might sound like I was one-upping everyone in the group. Then later, like the next week I found myself thinking, 'Is that it?! Is that all you are having to deal with and you're acting like this?' and/or 'why don't you just buck up and get on with life?' I'm not always that compassionless, but that is what I was thinking.

Which led me to understand my revelation about myself. I have been through a lot of stuff in my life. I mean tons of stuff. I have come to the conclusion that I have an ability to work through things, learn and grow from it and then get on with life. I have a strength to overcome and go on that I now know not all people have. That my level of tenacity is not in everyone, and that I need to be more willing to make myself vulnerable to their needs and to their pain. That this will in fact create more love and compassion in myself which will grow me even more. It could make me more approachable and less intimidating for some. I just love what God is doing with me, and to think I've been a 'Christian' for about 20 years now. I've been doing the majority of this growth in only the last two years or so."

You can't teach this stuff. Create space for people to learn. 

Power of Team

The last post was about the changes we recently made in our leadership teams for Starting Point. We had the first launch of 2008 last night, and I am so proud of our team!

I moved offices yesterday, so I was in chaos the entire day. (I feel better blaming it on the office move!) Besides many new elements at this launch and uncertainty about the flow of the evening, my contacts were dry, I needed to brush my teeth, and I felt flustered with 15 minutes before all the fun started!

Making sure a new facilitator had met the team, I found some of them in the kitchen helping with the food and drinks, laughing and having fun. There were others from the team in the atrium making sure guests were welcomed and guided. They did a wonderful job creating an atmosphere at their tables for people to get to know one another. In our post-evening meeting, there was great feedback, a few challenges discussed and more laughter. When I left for the evening, several from the team were still together talking.

I don't have the right words, and I don't want to sound sappy. As I saw the leaders still together, I said, "That's the best part of the whole evening." I love seeing them connect as a group, seeing them discover their significance in serving, and enjoying it! It's just too darn cool for words!

What if our volunteer teams are a missed opportunity to form our strongest groups? What if great relationships and steps in spiritual formation happen without a study? What if people simply need a common purpose, significance, and a way to connect with one another around that purpose? Just a few things I'm exploring in my head this morning.

We had 77 people, 7 groups formed, and 8 facilitators ready to go last night. The new things we're experimenting with: different meeting space with a warmer atmosphere, all meetings on our campus when it's a launch for those who are single, a mixer process at the beginning of the evening, snacks available, and a debrief meeting for the facilitators at the end of the evening. So far, all signs indicate positive results!

Small changes, big difference!

You need to read this post from Rob Wegner, our Pastor of Life Mission. I never noticed the smallness of the interventions Jesus used. It explains lots of things for me.

In the past few months, I've had lots of light bulb moments where I've gained clarity on things that had been stuck for a while. I'm not sure what's happening, but in all cases, it's been a small thing that had to be adjusted. It was often right in front of me. It's crazy cool!

For Starting Point, we've been challenged to help our facilitators connect to their team or their ministry. They are great people who love helping others get to know each other. We were helping people get into groups, but we weren't providing a great experience for our volunteers.

If I want to create great experiences for our guests, I have to create great experiences for our volunteers. Shift my focus to serve those who are serving others. I know that! I forgot.

We established the 2008 launch dates for Starting Point. We focused all launches to be for either single individuals or married individuals, with an equal number of dates for each group. We are building two teams of facilitators and have a great foundation of people for both teams.

Immediately, everything was more clear. I knew who to communicate with, we had a team meeting to share vision, and there was lot of laughter and fun! They know one another. Relationships matter. They know our purpose and their individual role in creating a great experience for our guests!

I am so glad all of this is happening before we enter into the 2008 schedule for Wired Churches. Getting a Grip on Groups is on Feb 11. There is so much to talk about...can't wait!