Because Relationships Matter

Humility

John Dickson taught at Leadership Summit on the importance of humility for leadership. It's critical for life and relationships too, which I suppose are all places where we lead.

While it's a common word, it's not unusual for people to ask me, "What does it mean to be humble?" He described it in terms of 5 characteristics. 

• Humility is common sense.
  • What we can't do far exceeds what we can do. 
  • Humility is a reflection of the deep foundations of reality.
• Humility is beautiful.
  • We are more attracted to the great who are humble than to the great who want us to know it.
• Humility is generative.
  • It is the place of growth.
  • For the wise person, criticism, even untrue, will bring incredible growth.
• Humility is persuasive.
  • The most believable people are the people who are believed to have your best interest at heart.
  • Humble people have character and are trustworthy.
  • Humble people have more influence to be be believed.
• Humility is inspiring.
  • When leaders appear transparent or approachable, we believe we can be like them.
  • The humble person maximizes the potential of others by building others up rather than them self. 

Discipline

It's a nasty word, isn't it? I surely don't want to be disciplined by others. Seeing others be disciplined is uncomfortable. 

Someone offered me some girl scout cookies a few months ago, and because I love them, I didn't buy them. They commented that I was demonstrating great discipline.

I hadn't thought too much about it until I heard that observation. I do live a rather disciplined life. On the other hand, most of what I do seems logical.

• If I don't go to bed, I'm tired.
• If I procrastinate, it still has to be done. 
• If I spend too much on what I want, I don't have money for what I need.
• If I don't exercise and eat crappy, I get fat.

I have always thought of discipline as rigid -- maybe that's why it has negative connotations -- but I don't like to be hard on myself either, so i'm pretty flexible.

Does flexible discipline even make sense? I am rambling...I just know that routine is helpful, and when things don't work as planned, it's good to chilax and not get too upset. Let the exception be just that...an exception, and don't turn the exception into the new routine.  

An undisciplined, self-willed life is puny; an obedient, God-willed life is spacious. Proverbs 15:32

I forgot to PRAY!

Yes, I did. Right there in front of 16 tables of people on Monday night at Spiritual Growth Groups! I even wrote it down on the agenda that was in front of me, but then I didn't look at the agenda! [Sigh.]

When did I remember? 4 a.m. Smacked in the head with my own humanity + regret + lack of sleep. Nice.

On top of that, our senior pastor is doing a 7-day video post on his blog to help us focus on...wait for it -- PRAYER! Really?? Seriously.

I wasn't actually going to confess this, but then I thought that I might not be the only person who gets inwardly focused on their own life, their own to-do things, their own problems, their own stuff. Sarcasm notice -- I know I'm not the only one. Yes, there are some who pray way more than the rest of us. I'm just sayin' that it doesn't happen naturally.

The good news is that God was present last night whether I prayed or not. That doesn't mean that prayer is irrelevant. Not at all!

 Prayer isn't for God's benefit. It's for my benefit! It turns my eyes, my mind, my heart toward God. As a caring dad, God knows that prayer is good for us; it helps us grow big and strong into the adults that he wants us to be. 

Always the one to model well for us, John 11:41 describes that "Jesus turned his eyes toward heaven and prayed." Follow Jesus.

 

Looking for what's next

I like answers. I like to look at problems, and I like to find solutions. Every time, I hope it will be THE solution. I don't think I'm alone. 

Here's what I've discovered. With some decent problem-solving skills and decisions that honor who God's created me to be, I often find some success. Yeah!! It's also common that I later recognize that it wasn't the longer term solution that I'd hoped it would be. Dang it!!

I was certain of God's leading or affirmation for the direction I went. I don't believe I misunderstood God's leading. The things I tried were the right things for me or the ministry in those particular seasons. They have all lead to a new season, which has created the opportunity to try something new as I discovered another challenge.

In general, I've learned to stop searching for THE solution and to continue to be open for the NEXT solution. When I look over my shoulder, I can then see a journey. Looking at the journey traveled provides hope, experience and wisdom for the journey to come.

Much as I see this in personal lives, I see it in the journey for our church. The New Normal Project Gatherings will be held on Jan. 26 & Jan. 31. We'll be hearing the vision for us, GCC, our church, in the days, months, and years to come.

The first vision Mark & Sheila had for GCC begain over 25 years ago as they stared Granger Community Church. There have been several new visions for us since that time. I'm grateful to be part of a church that remains open to the vision for the next season.

It's good to look over our shoulder to see where we've been, but it's really good to look ahead to see where we're going! I do hope you'll join us on the journey. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens
  

Thoughts & Rants on Volunteering

I had someone tell me recently, "If I know someone's counting on me as a volunteer, then I know I'll be there. If I don't think anyone's counting on me to be there, then I'll rationalize not attending the service or event even as a participant."

They have insight into how they behave, they know their patterns, and they're taking action to stay on track with how they want to live. Love it! 

I encourage people to volunteer all the time -- especially if they are overwhelmed with their own problems. An effective method to stop focusing on your stuff is to volunteer to help someone else with their stuff!

Now for my confession (aka tirades): It bugs me to hear, "I have the time to volunteer, and I know I should, but..." Really? You're capable. You have the time. You just won't? Seriously.

Another one that makes me crazy, "I don't know if I'll like it." Really? And how do you think you'll find out? Give it a few months -- meaning that you should really TRY it -- not just dip your toe in the water. If you don't like it, we aren't going to guilt you -- in fact, we'll be encouraging (and secretly hoping) that you try ANOTHER place to volunteer.   

I see the people who ARE volunteering. The truth is they need help. It's not a desperate cry for help -- with or without you, they're committed! Helping people know they matter to God is worth giving your life to. Paid staff and volunteer staff get tired. They're making a sacrifice for others, it's worth it, but they still get tired. So, yeah, I get a little ticked that there are capable people who can help but they just won't. 

There is yet something worse: volunteering and not showing up! Are you serious? Yes, cars break down and kids get sick. I'm talking about just being inconsiderate and self-centered. Get over your self. Our staff and volunteer leaders welcome you, train you, plan for you by adding your contact information to their schedules and rosters, and then you don't show up! Stop it.

My energy comes out of my compassion for those carrying the load; they do it with energy, with commitment, and with love! I'm really grateful for them. Be nice to them!

Steps that lead me here.

I'm up early today. 2:52 a.m. was the time on the clock when I realized, "I'm awake." There's no particular stressor that I'm aware of. 

I got my Diet Coke, my glasses, my 'One year" Bible, and read about Samson's parents in Judges 13 - 15. His parents were talking to an angel of God, but they had no idea. How often do I have a thought and not recognize that it's God talking? Is that why I'm awake or am I just goofy?

I'm thrilled to spend today with Mark Waltz's coaching network talking about GCC groups. I'm talking about what I do, so I know the content; I'm not stressed but maybe this is what has me awake. In letting my mind wander through the material, I thought through the steps that brought me to this place of leadership. 

1. Attended GCC for the first time in 1999.
2. Jeff signed us up for a new small group. I ended up leading it.
3. A ministry for couples was formed, and I was asked to lead that.
4. I was interested in and pursued training to provide lay counseling care.
5. As new group leaders were needed, I was asked to train them.
6. I began the formal education process to become a licensed mental health counselor.
7. I joined the staff team in 2005 as Director of Community over groups and care services.

So, I have tons of thoughts on gratitude, wonder, experiences with God, mountaintop highs, and valley lows. As I list those, I realize that the lows have always lead to new learnings where I cycle through gratitude, wonder, which leads back to a high. 

I find God to be faithful as I follow him through all of it. It's a nice life rythym. Maybe that's why I'm awake. Maybe God wanted me to take notice.

Thank someone.

I was watching news reports this morning of the earthquake in Haiti. The president was interviewed and his words were different than what I've heard other leaders do in similar times of crisis. When asked what he'd like the American people to know, he didn't talk of how much more they needed. He simply said that he wanted the United States to know how thankful his country was for our generosity.

He was grateful. It was powerful. 

From those who participated in the annual Food Drop, many recipients were so very thankful for the gift. Food bank organizations couldn't get over the generosity being shown to them -- they were being helped so they could help others!

When we help others, the part that seems to touch us most is the response of the recipients. When they are overwhelmed with surprise or gratefulness, it moves us! We played a part. We made a difference. It's an incredible feeling! 

What if we flip it around? What if we try to help others see the difference they make? Take a few moments and notice what those who love you do you for you. (Yes, it means that you'll have to stop grumbling about what they haven't done!)

What have you taken for granted? What have you come to expect? (This is not about making sure your thoughtfulness is appreciated! Yes, we all take one another for granted. Go first!) Let others know how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness.

"Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtfulness." It's really quite simple, but simple isn't always easy.

 

People Have Choice

Have you ever been really frustrated because you couldn't help someone see just how special they are? Think. Put a face on them.

Is it the one who continues in addiction? How about the one who is being treated really crappy by the person they're dating? Is it the one who is bitter that nothing in life works out for them? 

This same frustration happens to people who work in churches, or really any place that deals with human services: prisons, social service agencies, schools, etc. They all hit the same reality that we each face personally. 

We can help some people know they matter, and others are just a huge puzzle for us: How do we get through to THEM? Why don't they see it?

Methods and language of Church World to solve it: spiritual maturity, discipleship, saving the lost, healing the broken, shepherding people, mentoring, spiritual growth, life transormation, feeding people. We search and search to find The answer, The solution, The key, and we act as if we're certain it's out there. 

Isn't this what God experiences? Do we really believe that we want people to know they are loved more than God wants them to know it? We may deny that we believe that, but our behavior indicates otherwise.

God has had to deal with the frustration of free will, that people have choice, and I believe what we experience is a mere snippet of that. God's love is beyond comprehension. God is love. 

We shouldn't give up, but we shouldn't live in frustration either. Leaders of the Church have an opportunity to model the peace of pressing forward when we don't have all the answers. It may be the most helpful thing we can do to point people to Jesus. 

This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. John 3:19-20

Leading thru Pain

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm in the best place to be leading right now." It's a message that I've heard too often. There's a pattern.

If leaders are having problems, and they aren't taking steps to hold onto Jesus for solutions, then yes, it may be good for them to step down. People watch how we live our lives. Leaders have influence. We need them to lead well. The definition of leading well through the challenges of life is the problem.

Leaders often step away, move away from leadership, move away from community when their own lives get messy. It's exactly the time they need to stay close, be transparent, and lead well from a position of humility.

When am I most effective? In my opinion, it's often when I'm broken. When I share a story of pain, people lean in. When I share my own struggle, people lean in. They don't want to hear about our success without hearing about the struggle. 

Leader's most effective times are not always when the pain is behind them either. People want to know their leaders are real. When we trust people, we are saying, "You matter. You matter so much that I'm willing to trust you enough to be transparent with you."

It communicates significance to others when we let them in. It happens in the context of appropriate sharing and relationship.

• A math professor who tells his adult students about his failing marriage: awkwardly inappropriate. 
• A waitress who tells their customer about her bad date last night: too much information.
• A pastor who tells his people about his own struggles with times of doubt: it helps people feel understood.
• A group leader who talks about their own challenges: it models transparently that they aren't alone. 

Slowing

The cure for being hurried is slowing. So, that's what I did for the past few days. Jeff & I made a round trip to Maryland this weekend to see our son and daughter-in-law. They've moved on from this picture taken at their wedding to get all settled with jobs and have purchased their first home.

Yes, some may question how that equates with slowing down, but it's something you have to personalize. 

Jeff & I enjoy car trips. He enjoys driving, and I enjoy navigating. It gives us time to talk, read, sleep (mostly I sleep while Jeff drives), see how efficient we can get with the fewest number of stops...ok, so even if it's odd, we're odd together, so it's good! 

Besides the 9 hours each way, we got to spend a couple great evenings with Jeff and Bri, share the excitement of their new home, spend a couple nights on an inflatable mattress which has to make you chuckle, watch the Notre Dame game, and generally do whatever comes next.

As we enter this final week of Journey for this month, we'll look at what to expect in the practice of solitude. Slowing has to precede solitude, so I hope you'll join me at intentional slowing.