Because Relationships Matter

Thank You

Parents reprimand, remind, and prod, "Say Thank you." Learning to be thankful is an important life skill. The inclination to take people and things for granted appears to be human nature. 

There's a wonderful little book about one method for developing the practice, 365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Saved My Life.The author, John Kralik, has a writing style that's enjoyable to read.

Life is hard, and for many, that's an understatement. When dark days come, the last thing we gravitate toward naturally is being thankful. 

I've heard it said, "If it doesn't make you bitter, it will make you better." Even though it's true, it's not helpful to push away or deny the negative stuff. If you're sitting in the middle of crap, see it for what it is. When you're ready to get out of it, look for what you can learn from it.

What can this situation teach me: about myself, about others, and about life? When I look back at this time of my life, how will I be able to see that it shaped who I've become?

With the perspective of 20:20 hindsight, my most challenging times have helped me most. As an example, when I've felt personally attacked, it's allowed me to recognize how active my fear of disappointing others has been triggered. I hate these seasons. They really suck.

At the same time, I gain new roots of self-esteem each time I encounter the pattern. I learn to appreciate the strengths while lessening the need to be affirmed by others. 

By the way, I don't send a Thank You note to those who triggered it in me; I'm not a martyr! Doing my best to wish them well in my heart and mind is not easy, but it is helpful.

Inhale. Exhale.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and death. At some point, your heart just stops beating. Breathing stops. Done. Your life is over. 

We don't get to know. We don't know if there's some cell in us that's going to become cancer, or if cancer is already at work but yet undetected. We don't know about the car accident or the heart attack that's around the corner today, next week, next year. Other than suicide or life support systems, we don't know.

It can happen - in a heartbeat.(Sorry. This is depressing. Our son has told me often, "Thanks Mom. You know how to kill a good mood with your stories." Hang in here with me...)

What do we do? We live. We try to pretend. We try not to think about it. We busy ourselves.

That doesn't make any sense either. The odds of death are currently 100%.

We distract ourselves with life problems. They are sometimes big problems: loss of a job, a divorce, a DUI offense, or an out-of-control kid. They are sometimes little problems that are made to be big: problems at work, a spouse who is inconsiderate at times, a speeding ticket, or a kid who is acting like a kid.

If you got a call that someone you love had died in an instant, the perspective on problems would change in an instant. Life problems are all important AND not important at all.

We get this tiny little life with this limited time. What will we do with it? Other than the love we have and the love we have to give, everything else is insignificant.  

Inhale how much you are loved. Exhale it regularly to those around you.  

A Gift for the Giver

Many people get more enjoyment out of doing kind things for others than having kind things done for them. It feels good to make someone else feel special -- to make them feel like they matter and are important to you.

My husband is notorious for successfully guessing his gifts before he opens them. It was quite frustrating for the giver (that would be me!) I remember Jeff's expression when I finally surprised him with a pair of nice sunglasses a few years ago. He loved it, I loved it - a great win-win!

If everyone wants to give, someone has to be willing to receive. It's generally easy to find greedy people; I'm talking about good and solid relationships with those who love you.

When have you provided the opportunity for someone to give you something? When have you put yourself in a posture of accepting a gift?

I wonder what it's like for God to hear these comments from people willing to be real.

I know God has forgiven me, but what I've done is too bad for me to accept it -- it's just too horrible. 

I don't think I know how to accept God's love for me as unconditional. In my mind, it should be conditional for what I do. If I'm not loved for what I do, I can't figure out why God would love me. It doesn't make any sense. 

Accept God's gifts with open arms -- it may be the one thing he's hoping you'll do for him.

Assured

You portray yourself as self-assured. When you do, there's a confidence like you can't be hurt or refuse to be hurt.

It's uncomfortable. It feels disgenuine.

In your more vulnerable moments, you talk of your doubts and fears. When you do, there's a confidence that you can be hurt and know that you will be ok.

It's transparent.

That side of you, the soft side -- the side that is more Christ-assured than self-assured is breathtakingly beautiful. It's Christ in you.

Genesis 1:26 - God spoke, "Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature..."

Maybe Easter Morning

If your family is something other than ideal, the thoughts below might be helpful. [You can read more amazing writing from her here.] Happy Easter.

I carry a picture in my mind of a happy family.

A family that passes steaming bowls of mashed potatoes around a big wooden table, breaks into spontaneous games of football on any given fall afternoon (always having enough people for two full teams), and has two dignified parents, clad in modest, matching pajamas sitting up in their double bed at night, wisely solving all the day's problems.

Yes, they ARE the descendants of the Waltons, Ingalls, and Bradfords. Truthfully, I've never known a family like this. I think there are a few that come close--judging by their blog posts and facebook status's--but, I've never actually been to their homes. And if they invited me over... it would be awkward.

The families I know, have been tossed and turned by divorce, addictions, abuse, absent parents, abandonment, rejection, financial irresponsibility, illness, depression, despair, and just plain old-fashioned selfishness and immaturity.

The families I know secretly dread the holidays. They know every occasion of celebration is an occasion to pull out that well-worn picture they've been clutching for years, dust it off, measure themselves against it, and once again, determine they are lacking.

As for my family? I didn't cook Christmas dinner last year. We celebrated together, my 3 children and I, 2 weeks later, at 1 am. The night my oldest son was released from jail.

As for my family? When we're done with Easter dinner this year, I'll skip dessert, and go visit my youngest son, at the Juvenile Detention Center.

But... Maybe, Easter Morning, I'll pull out that tattered picture, and place it at the foot of the cross.

and Maybe, Easter Morning, I'll take my eyes off of that picture, and place them on Jesus.

and Maybe, Easter Morning, I'll leave that picture in His hands. and turn to face my children.

and Maybe, Easter Morning, I'll look into my children's eyes, and paint a new picture.

via aftereverything.typepad.com

Identity - Our Name

We get identity through many sources: parents, spouse, boss, kids, ourself, friends, God. 

Identity can sound like psycho-babble stuff but it's really just our Name. 

When people want proof of Who I Am, they don't want my story. They want driver's license, picture ID, birth certificate, credit card, a bill with your name on it -- anything that lists my name with some tidbit of facts that it's me. Faking our identity is pretty easy; it's why identity theft is rampant.

If others pretend to be us, how easy is it for us to fake it? (Yes -- I just switched back to phsycho-babble identity stuff!)

Want to find and become the real you? It's simple but it's not easy.

Trade "I'm not good enough" for "I'm ok". Trade "I should have known better" for "I can learn". Trade "I'm insignificant" for "I matter". Trade "I'm afraid" for "I try things".

"I'm ok" is "God loves me and has chosen me" (1 Thessalonians 1:4). "I can learn" is "I am God's workmanship created to produce good works" (Ephesians 2:10). "I matter" is "I have been accepted by Christ" (Romans 15:7). "I'm afraid" is "The peace of God guards my heart and mind" (Philippians 4:7).

See how that works? All truth is God's truth.

Rob Wegner and Mark Waltz are teaching about these this week at Spiritual Growth Groups. Some great books on the same topics are: My Secret Name (Oberbrunner), The 4:8 Principle (Newberry), and Lies We Believe (Thurman).

Is it me?

When someone seems angry, quiet, or just not excited about hanging out with you, it's hard to tell whether it's about you or not about you.

I recently spoke to a class of 20 college undergrads at an early a.m. class. I was invited to talk for 15 minutes about being a licensed mental health counselor. Some showed interest with facial expression, some showed neutral interest, and a few were falling asleep! The ones nodding off were doing so in less than 2 minutes after I started, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't about me.

I've been visiting recently with someone who had a stroke. It's been a terrifying time as this active woman, wife, and mom lost the use of one side of her body in a matter of minutes. It's been an amazing time as she's quickly regained the ability to walk, speak, and function in daily life. Everyone is very thankful and excited for the days to come!

With a stroke victim, facial expressions, eye contact, and emotions are flattened. So, I wasn't really sure if I should be there or if it was helpful. In fact, it was so uncomfortable that I had to just ask about it, and I confirmed that what I was experiencing had nothing to do with me. I'm so glad I asked!

These were goth great reminders of how easily I am influenced by non-verbal communication. I have to anchor myself that what I'm experiencing has nothing to do with me, but it's really challenging...and these are situations where I don't have a strong personal relationship!

When it's a close relationship (romantic, parent-child, boss-employee), imagine how much more complex it gets!

This is the reason I encourage people to set their foundations often, frequently, and deeply in the source of their value and worth, God. Without it, it's really tough to have great relationships with people. I think it's why Jesus told us to love God with all of our passion and prayer and intelligence and to love others as well as you love yourself.

  

Picture YOU!

In our series Picture This, we're talking about a vision for the future. Our future will come from each person playing their part to honor God with their lives, the role that only they can play.

Who do you want to be? Do you know how you want to respond in given situations? Do you know what initiatives you want to take? Do you see the disciplines you want to have? Can you see it?

Look beyond the negatives that are blinding you! Even if you can't see the whole picture, hold onto the tiniest mustard seed of the image.

Now...stop trying harder. Willpower is not the solution. In fact, the harder youu try to figure it out, it will likely keep you stuck longer. Surrender. Try softer. Fall on your knees (personally, I think literally "on your knees" is very helpful). Bow your knee to Jesus. Ask for help. Jesus is Wonderful Counselor.

"I can't figure this out, but I know you can. I know I don't want to be here any longer, and I am. I surrender that I'm here, and I'm taking your hand to move forward. I won't resist. I'll stop trying harder myself and let you lead me. I will follow. I will have courage to move to what's uncomfortable and what I'm afraid of. I'll keep taking steps toward the picture I have of me."

Spiritual Growth Groups launch this Monday, Feb. 28. Register here. Picture it. Come.

God's on Your Side

Do you really believe that God is for you? Do you trust that?

From a few recent conversations I've had...

"I don't think God is listening. Why doesn't he answer?"

Are you sure you would recognize what answers from God might look like? 

"The people I hang with are really messed up in their romantic relationships. I can really see how messed up their thinking is, but they can't. I think God has more for me to learn but I don't know what it is?"

You've been intentional to not pursue romantic relationships to allow space for you to focus on strengthening your personal relationship with God. Is it possible that your current insight is affirmation that where you were blind, you can now see? 

"Some people I trust have told me that according to their interpretation of the Bible, it wouldn't be God-honoring for me to marry again since I've messed up in two marriages. I'm trying to be cautious and really figure out God's leading. Others affirm that I'm taking great steps in my relationship with Jesus. Since I haven't met anyone, maybe they're right?"

You demonstrate your desire to live a life that honors God. What if you moved from trying to figure out what God wants for you in your mind, and created space and spiritual practices to let God's heart for you connect with your heart?

Romans 8:31-32 (MSG) So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?

Notice God

People usually come for counseling help when they have a hurt or discomfort; they want to make it go away. (Typically, this is also the same reason they start coming or come back to church!) They often see the cause of their pain as "this person" or "situation" that's currently in front of them, but the source is often rooted in a person or situation that is in their history, their past.

I follow pretty much the same format with everyone I meet with for counseling. While that might sound impersonal or formulaic, and while people are pretty predictable in nature, I love when I hear something I don't expect.     

After we reveal the core beliefs that have been driving their past or current behavior, I state in the process, "The problem is that all those beliefs that have defined your value, your worth, your significance, were defined when you were a child and then reinforced most of your life. They're not the truth about you.

The truth is that you matter to God. You could be a perfect Christian: pray all the time, read your Bible, feed the poor, and you don't have the power to increase God's love for you."

At this point, people usually nod their head in agreement. However, a person I met with recently didn't. So, I said, "You've heard that before, correct? Do you know that?"

They replied, "No. I've never heard it like that before. I've never heard that. It's pretty cool."

When it gets my attention -- it's where I see God. God injects himself into our stories to provide hope, a catalyst, a new perspective. Wherever there's something that's counterintuitive, not what you'd expect, notice. Acknowledge Jesus as Lord in it.