Because Relationships Matter

Making the Space Safe, Part 3

This is the last in this series of blog posts. The list of ways that people can hurt one another is really endless. Group leaders have a tough responsibility to make it happen as best they can. I'm grateful.

Person at a group is talking about their job, and how disrespectfully they are treated by their boss. "The boss is a jerk! I have a college degree, and I'm working on my Masters. I don't need some high school dropout trying to tell me what I need to work on!"

Yep, they're angry and insensitive. They didn't think about others at the group who had never attended college or who had not finished high school. Facilitator noticed immediately, but they were stunned. They couldn't believe it, and really didn't know what to say.

Facilitator called each person. "Hey. I have a responsibility to keep the group safe. I missed it last night. I saw the potential for hurt, but I didn't stop it. I'm sorry." In all cases, the response was positive. They all had indeed noticed, and yeah, it hit some of them as it's the area in which they've held some personal insecurity. They said that they understood the anger and insults weren't directed at them personally.   

Facilitator met to talk alone and in person with the one who made the comments. "I have a responsibility to keep the group safe. I missed it. You were pretty upset, and I realize that you didn't intend your words to be hurtful..." The person had been clueless to the power of their words. Yes, they felt badly. Facilitator allowed them to feel badly but didn't try to make them feel worse. It opened dialogue for further relationship.

The list of ways that people can love one another is really endless. 

Making the Space Safe, Part 2

When somone in a group is talking, we communicate significance by listening. Eye contact, body language, some facial expression, etc. What should the facilitator do when somone in the group is texting instead of listening? 

Here's the scene. Talker looks a couple times at Texter then back at Facilitator; Facilitator notices that Talker is uncomfortable, so he tries to listen really well. It helps only slightly as Talker continues to notice that Texter could care less about what he's saying. 

If Facilitator knew that Texter knew he mattered to God, we could slap Texter around a bit for being a blockhead. What happens when you have two people that don't know they matter to God? How do you provide a safe space for that? No easy answers. 

We live in a rude society. People are inconsiderate. Jeff just told me the other day, "I'm really glad my parents taught us manners. So many people are genuinely appreciative and surprised when you just say, 'Thank you.'" 

1) Accept that people are going to treat others rudely. We can't guarantee a safe experience. We can only do our best to provide one. We need the people in our groups to help us.  

2) Do what you can. Facilitator got Texter's attention at the first opportunity, "Hey, is that phone new? My daughter just got one like it." Texter stopped texing and looked up saying with exasperation, "Yeah, it's pretty good. My mom is texting me about stopping over when I leave here. She makes me crazy." Texter looked up and stopped texting at least for the time being. Facilitator was brilliant in diffusing it! 

3) Cast vision for people of what it looks like to listen well. We do, but we haven't mentioned texting--never thought of it. Duh. We will. We don't have to guarantee a safe space; we simply need to make it a priority and be intentional. It communicates that people matter. They'll notice. 

Making the Space Safe, Part 1

"If you don't believe in God, you have to be blind," was innocently said by a Christian at one of our groups on their first night together. There were others at the table who hadn't spoken yet. 

Our facilitator, a volunteer leader, felt the discomfort and responded. "I have to stop you. That comment wasn't fair." Every head at the table immediately looked to the leader as the person continued. "While I understand what you're trying to say, the comment is offensive. I've had times in my life when I've wondered, when I've questioned, and it's ok. Your comment felt attacking to me." 

The first man responded, "I didn't think of it like that. I'm sorry," and continued with telling the others about himself. While I want to cut this person some slack, it was the first night together, they were nervous, etc., we simply can't. The stakes are too high.

This person knows they matter to God, but there are people who don't! This is not happening on my watch, and I don't want our group leaders to let it happen on theirs!

The facilitator self-assessed their leadership: I just reacted, and I could have chosen gentler words. You know what? I don't care. If the person would have got up and walked out, it would have been unfortunate, but the facilitator gets the vision for the experience -- I'm so proud of them and grateful!Those people in the group now know that our leader has got their back and cares about them. People don't care what we know until they know that we care. It makes all the difference to their next step toward Christ!  

These are a few comments I've heard in the last few days while hearing stories from our guests - seriously, in JUST the last few days:

• "I've heard that God won't forsake you. He'll never leave you. That's a lie. It's not what I've seen."
• "I really was ready to write off this God thing. We grew up in poverty, and we had to go to churches to get food. I hated how the people looked at us. I didn't like them. My father-in-law is a Christian, though, and he's such a good man, what about him? I can't dismiss God because of him."
• "I've been a Christian forever, but I just don't know anymore. I don't know where God is at in this. Why doesn't he show up?"

I get a little crazy about making the experience safe for people who don't know they matter to God. It's the reason that I'm committed to my church, and it's the fuel that keeps me going.    

Commitment

We spend a lot of time in churches trying to get people to live committed. Out of a commitment to God comes a commitment to spouse, children, finances, integrity, relationships, volunteering, study, prayer, and the list goes on. It all begins with a primary commitment to God. Without that priority, the rest is an uphill battle.

Try to move people toward anything, and they resist. Greater effort brings greater resistance. Adam & Even didn't commit to God through obedience, and it's not all that different today - appears to be the human condition - the reason we need a Savior.

I have been studying Soul Revolution, the content for our newest Turning Point group of the same name launching September 21, 2009. The focus is founded in the principles from Frank Laubach's, Practicing His Presence.

Rather than push people toward Jesus, we're gonna help them understand what it means to be in his presence. When Jesus is lifted up, they are drawn to Him. I'm excited to see how God works through our next step in GCC Groups.  

"God is always on the alert; constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him." 2 Chronicles 16:9

Stories Matter

Jesus was asked, "Why do you tell stories?" Jesus said, "You've been given insight into God's kingdom. You know how it works. Not everyone has this gift, this insight; it hasn't been given to them. Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely. But if there is no readiness, any trace of receptivity soon disappears. That's why I tell stories to create readiness, to nudge the people toward receptive insight. In their present state they can stare till doomsday and not see it, listen till their blue in the face and not get it." (Matthew 13, MSG)

A man met with a group of men every week over a six month period. He later told this story to another group of men during the 2nd week of meeting with their group.

"Before I started Turning Point, I was angry and full of rage. I was raised in a violent home; I promised to never repeat that with my kids. In order to control it, I hit on a heavy bag every day. After 6 months of meeting with these guys every week, and just talking, it really helped me. It changed my life. There's maybe 1 - 2 days a month now where I still use the bag. Talking to those guys changed me."

Stories...to create readiness and to nudge others toward receptive insight.

"We mesh real well"

Hey Kathy! I wanted to share this story with you.... My husband and I attended Starting Point last March(2008) really to gain friends that shared our beliefs and were in a similar life stage since all our friends prior to that were single and didn't have kids. We all feel like we hit the small group jack pot. Of course we have differences every now and then that we work through, but for the most part, we mesh real well.  This past month was my birthday and we were getting together at one of the couple's home for small group and they surprised me with a cake and gifts!! Not just any cake though, a GLUTEN FREE CAKE(because they know me and they care and know that Evan and I have celiac disease, therefore can't eat anything with wheat, barley or rye..NO FLOUR!).  Making a cake like that isn't exactly cheap.  They also treated me to a pedicure gift certificate (since we talked earlier that week about how I'd never had one and would like to experience it) and a beautiful journal (since they know how much I love to write).   WOW!! I have NEVER had friends that remembered and acknowledged my birthday, let alone go to those great lengths!!  It was wonderful, we are still broke financially (I have this strong feeling that it will turn around in the near future), but my life is VERY rich and you can't buy that....AWESOME! Thanks for facilitating groups....keep on keepin' on!

Some groups mesh real well, like this one. Some don't. We don't measure success by the number of groups formed. We win when people experience a space where relationships can be formed. Our goal is to create pathways for people to enter relationships, and see what gets created!

Turning Point launches Monday, June 1, 6:30

View Point launches Monday, July 13, 6:30

Starting Point for Elkhart (Married or Single) and Starting Point for Singles (Granger campus) both launch on Monday, July 27, 6:30 

It's gonna be a great summer!

Turning Point - Sounds like it's helping

From our first Turning Point of 2009, in their own words, this is what they found really helpful about their 10 week group experience.

To see what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. Helped my husband and me communicate.
The guys helped me to answer some of my own questions.
How not to feel guilty.
I could listen and learn from others and receive valuable feedback.
I really loved developing relationships.
I learned so much about the "why" of what I do and the choices I make.  I've begun to get a more clear picture of myself (rather than living a delusional lifestyle.)
To be real with the people at my table.
It helped me to bring down my walls.
It helped me gain a large amount of  insight about myself and my behavior in all my relationships!
The conversation of the group provoked insightful reflection for myself.
The book. The feedback. The support from my group.
To learn that I am not alone. To become aware of the things that I continuously do and change them. To know that my opinions matter.
Just to hear different view points that I can put into my life.
It has taught me many different ways to handle life situations.
Meeting new people who have shared experiences. A place to get all my bad patterns out & support to get through the bad times.
It made me recognize things about myself that I was unaware of.
I truly believe that this helped save my marriage.
Knowing that I'm not the only person with issues in my life.
I learned how to take charge of my life.
To open up.
It gave me the impetus to reclaim myself and continue to work on my marriage.
I realize the patterns in my life from past family influence. It's helped me realize what I need to learn to grow closer to my spouse.
I'm finding why I kind of matter to God.

 

We know what we hope people discover, but it's always great to know what they actually experience!

Lasting Impressions

I spent the first day of 2009 reading my boss's book! How fun it is to read a book where you know the author well, you live the content, and there's still stuff to learn! 

As I read it, I was thinking about our 2009 launch meeting on Monday night for GCC Groups. We'll have all our teams of facilitators/leaders from Starting Point, Turning Point, View Point, and Financial Peace in one room for one time for 12 months!

There are hundreds of people who will take their next step toward Christ in a GCC group in 2009. We'll have the privilege of meeting them where they're at. How will we respond?

Mark had some thoughts in his book - you should read it if you haven't yet:

• Acceptance that conveys, "I will accept you when..." isn't acceptance. We extend grace when our acceptance comes without requirements.
• Rather than merely expecting people to "get it," we must think in terms of journey, one step at a time.
• Most people need time to meet others, connect, and develop trust before they join us or share our agenda.

I ended the book with tears at the story of people who have discovered they matter to God, Bob and Janet, and their humility to let God work through their lives to let others know they matter. I don't understand why God allows me the honor to serve at GCC, with this boss, with these people, to love the people Jesus loves. I'm just grateful for the privilege.

Behind the question

Hello, I'm new here can you give more information on the Starting Point group ? is this a christian singles group ? how often do they meet ? are there any costs ? thank you

This is a written inquiry that was submitted through the "contact us" buttons on our website. I called and started answering his questions. There was something wrong. He was anxious. I asked, "Do you attend GCC?"

I was thinking of joining. I went to church as a kid. I've had some stuff going on in my life and was thinking maybe I should.

Ok. So, I kept talking. Something was still off. "Have you ever attended one of our services?"

No, I've driven by a few times, and I was thinking about it.

It now made sense! I shifted to help him understand who we are, his options and encourage him. 

How will I know what to do when I get there? Will it be kind of obvious for me to know where to go?

I'm a little blown away when people find the courage to ask questions at this level. People are scared. Will I fit in? Will I look stupid? Although we don't often get the opportunity to hear questions at this level, the fear is there.

If we want people to take a next step toward Jesus, let's keep making the first steps very safe. 

Do you have your four friends? Do you?

I love Mark Beeson's telling of the Bible story about four people who had a paralyzed friend who couldn't get to Jesus. They loved their friend, and they knew that Jesus could heal him. The four friends each grabbed a corner of his mat, and they carried him. I refer our people back to Mark's telling of that story...often. I love the challenge he gives to us.

"Do you have four friends you really care about? You really love them! If they needed to get to Jesus, you'd carry them. And if you needed to get to Jesus, they'd carry you."

As the current Turning Point session came to a close, our guests had an opportunity to stay together as a group. We work hard to make it a safe experience. Because we don't want people to feel manipulated, we give them plenty of opportunity to choose.

I wondered...do I make it so easy for people to exit that they hear, "whatever you decide is fine"? As if I don't see the value myself in people choosing to stay together? That's not what I want to communicate! I tried a different method...the story I see.

So far this year, I have met for 200+ hours with new people in counseling as they tell me their story. I hear stories of huge problems, and people are really hurting. They are often stuck - paralyzed. They need Jesus. I try to carry them. I can't. I can only get one corner of the mat. I can't do it alone. I know they need friends, and they don't have any - or at least they don't have friends who are carrying them toward Jesus.

You've been sitting with these people for 10 weeks, talking and getting to know one another. You need good friends. These might be the people who will carry you to Jesus. You might be the person who will carry them. What you decide to do from this point really matters.