Because Relationships Matter

Unwanted Invitation

When people tell me stories, it's common that tears will "pop up". They are surprised; it's disturbing to them.

• I can't believe I'm crying!
• What's wrong with me?
• I thought I was over this.

As I encourage them to continue, I'm inviting them into their pain. Many quickly reject it. It is uncomfortable. They don't want to look at it. They don't believe it will help. The thought of looking at their memories becomes terrifying.

Jason Miller spoke beautifully this weekend about the time he needed God most. People related to his story. Tears came to the eyes of some. Others leaned closer for comfort for the one they were with. A few people left.

Maybe they had an emergency, but some were feeling an invitation to their pain, and they were afraid. I hate that for them. The longer they delay it, the thought of looking at the memory of their story can become more terrifying. 

Whatever you fear gets your attention and focus. The more you try to ignore or forget it, it often becomes toxic and shows up in behaviors that are puzzling to you and and others.

"You don't need to be afraid of things you were afraid of when you were five" [from the movie, The King's Speech]. While the feelings of fear are real, the truth is that you are an adult. You are not powerless. The memory does not need to control you any longer. Look at it. Tell the story. Cry over it. Write it out. Talk it out.

Accept it as a part of your story; it isn't the focal point of your story. It does not define you. 

2 Timothy 1:7: For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.

A Strong Man

I've been thinking about the strength of men. God has wired it into them.

From where I sit as a counselor, I encounter conversations with men about their personal lives and with women about the men in their lives. In strength, men have the capacity to create a safe and secure atmosphere for their wives, children, and families. Their strength has the capacity to solidify their identity as the man God created them to be. 

The strength of men is not recognized or realized. It is a huge source of untapped potential to save marriages, raise great kids, and create strong families. Women and children have a desire to lean on strong men; as insecurity grows in them, the wife and kids learn to become self-sufficient and don't even bother trying anymore. 

As I've developed as a counselor, I've gotten more tuned into recognizing it. The pattern has emerged as one of the strongest I've seen; I've found myself engaged in this conversation much more often. It makes me a bit crazy to watch it happen. 

Fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, and fear of failure all play a huge role in it. Unfortunately, these things are rarely described as fear. They are demonstrated in behavior that is macho or pleasing, passive or explosive, defensive or indifferent -- basically, the things that destroy the foundations of safety and security for wives, children, and families.

Those fears often stem from men believing they are unloved, insignificant, or not good enough. These become the identity of men. Sadly, those get masked even further behind identities of career, money, sex, and power. They are rarely recognized or communicated for what they are -- lies straight from hell.

Fear isn't the problem. What you do when you feel afraid, IS. If someone is breaking in your home at night, you will feel fear. If you hide under the covers and push your wife out of bed to go investigate, that's a problem!

Use the strength God has wired in you with to do the right thing. It's called courage. It is what is needed when you feel afraid.    

The solutions are the same as they are for most things. Spend time regularly rooting yourself in the truth of your identity: you are loved, you are significant, you matter. Deal with your feelings or your feelings will deal with you.  

Father's Day is this Sunday. Regardless of how the man in your life behaves, make sure you communicate the truth about them to them. Love them well!

What are you for?

I'm really tired of hearing things that I, a Christ-follower, should be concerned about. They always include the phrase "before it's too late!" It's a passive way to say, "Christians should be against this." It exhausts me. 

Seriously, anyone who doesn't follow Jesus can quickly name something from the "Things that Christians are against" list. Isn't that of greater concern to Christians than anything on the list itself?

People often seek help in counseling when they are stuck. Fear paralyzes people. I believe it keeps people from moving forward in our society and our churches. One of the questions that I ask most regularly is, "What are you afraid will happen if you do what you know is the right thing to do?"

A few years ago, Rob taught brilliantly on the need to fear God. "Fear is a form of focus. When I fear something, I surrender to its influence and power. Whatever I fear, I become vulnerable to. When I fear God, I give him my attention, I give him my respect, I surrender to His influence and power, and I become vulnerable to his leadership in my life."

Fear is not a motivator for change. Fear enables inaction. Fear is one of Satan's greatest weapons.

Isn't it interesting that Christians are known for the long list of things they fear? The Bible is very clear that we are to fear God. Period.

1 John 4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love."

I'm not alone.

It's happened to most of us. The feeling. People all around us. Friends. Family. Co-workers. Neighbors. We have a secret. Something wrong with us. Different. Don't belong If others know, what will they think? Fear. Rejection. Sympathy. No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we're not alone, the feeling overwhelms us if we let it.

There's a way out. Relationship. The fear contains the key to the solution. In relationship, we discover that we're not alone.

In studies that measure the effectiveness of group therapy, the number one reason people give for their own growth: I discovered that I'm not alone. I don't need a research paper to know that.

We humans are complex creatures, and yet we're very simple. Our God is complex, and yet very simple. We're made in his image. In the midst of our complexity, the solutions are often right in front of us.

"I'm not alone," is a powerful truth to discover and the necessary foundation to move forward. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to talk last night on the topic of finding the truth. I look forward to our continued conversation next Wednesday at Journey. 

Surprising Fear

When someone seems to have it all together and appears socially confident, aren't you surprised when you discover they experience fear? Those who seem uncomfortable and appear to lack social confidence don't have a monopoly on fear.

One of our volunteer leaders who competently manages her life sent me this email. She attended the Turning Point launch this past week as a participant.

I just set some boundaries with someone! It was as tho I am an adult! Oh, wait, I am an adult! I am glad you suggested Turning Point. I have to admit tho, that I could not even mention my taking responsibility for my ex-husband's feelings without almost crying. I seriously almost cried just saying, "I take responsibility for my ex's feelings." That's all I said. I gave no details at all. What is the deal with that? It is much harder than I thought it would be."

I'm so proud of her. By taking this step, I believe God will honor it - in a huge way! She can face her fear with the strength of Jesus Christ. Surprise fear - lean in - Satan is vanquished - Jesus is King! (I don't use this language much, but I want your attention.) When she brings her fear out of darkness from hiding it, she exposes it to the light in relationship with others. Community.

The desire of God's heart is that we live in His perfect love - Jesus - not fear. 

1 John 4:18 There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

Stalker or Stepper?

At 8:15 this past Sunday morning, I see this guy wandering in the area near staff mailboxes and the bathrooms. He doesn't seem like he's waiting for anyone. He doesn't stop anyone to ask for direction. (I was one of at least 3 people who walked by him.) He is definitely looking around. Yeah, he is out of place. I don't stop him. I don't inquire. I just noticed. (Not my proudest Director of Community moment!)

Less than 5 minutes later, I now see him in the atrium wandering but definitely uncomfortable. The only other people are a few staff and volunteer leaders setting up for the day, and some GCC regulars meeting early for coffee. He stood out again. He's looking around. Weird. What is he doing?

Wait. He's making a move. He starts walking toward the exit doors with determination. For whatever reason, I now decide that if he has just stalked the place, I should probably say something to let him know he was noticed.

Just as he's opening the second set of doors to reach the cold air, I reach him. "Can I help you find anything?" With a slight dialect of another language, "Well, I was supposed to serve today. It was my first time, but I can't find where I'm supposed to go. So..." Feeling like a complete schmuck, "Ohhhh. We can find the team. Let me help you." Within 2 minutes, we found the team leader, made the introduction, and poof! Connection made! I saw him later that morning serving confidently.

People are uncomfortable when they take a step. It's new. They don't know what to expect. They don't do what seems obvious to us who are already connected. Really! Yes, I know it doesn't make sense. Virtually everyone in the building at that time could have helped him. He only needed to ask. He did not feel comfortable to stop anyone.

Taking a step is a big deal. I want to be noticed - to be significant - to connect - to fit in. At the same time, I don't want to be noticed as different - as not fitting in. I am glad I had this glimpse into the experience of our people. It gives me passion to do all that we can to make it easy for them.