Because Relationships Matter

External Structure

“When your maturity is not strong enough to change something, add external structure.” –Henry Cloud

• Continue to procrastinate on exercise? Make an appointment with a trainer or a friend to exercise with.
• Want to stop eating cookies and ice cream for evening snacks? Don't buy them and have them in the house.
• Trying to stop spending money on items that would be cool to have? Don't go shopping as entertainment.

This method has potential to move you from where you are to where you want to be.

However, there are two ways people tend to interrupt it. 

1. I've heard people say, "I should be able to do this on my own! I should be able to control myself. I should have known better." In other words, they should all over themselves.
2. They cancel or don't show up for the exercise dates; cookies and ice cream stuff come in bulk at social events, fast food or convenience store stops; and online shopping is always present to drain the wallet. In other words, they sabotage their own progress.

The whole idea is to face reality. Accept where you are. Do what you need to move forward, and adjust as you go. 

The problem isn't YOU.

YOU are great! People outside of you can see that.

How you think about YOU is the problem. It screws everything up.

It's like a tornado and your thoughts are just swirling around and around in obsession -- all around you, your self. They spiral YOU out of control.

You don't believe it's going to take you into the deep depressions that you've faced before, because YOU are not going to let that happen this time.

That's the scary part. Your plan is to save yourself -- to be your own God, the God of your own life.

It won't work.

Try this. A few times a day, get down on your knees. Physically get down on bended knees. Thank God. Be grateful. Thank God for where you are: on your knees, aware that God is God. and YOU are not. 

Don't miss it

"I have an external life and an internal life. In my external life, I tell everyone 'I'm fine'. In my internal life, I'm not fine. It's been that way as long as I can remember.

There was this time when an elementary school teacher asked me to stay after the other kids left the room. She asked how I was doing. She said that it seemed like something was upsetting me. After that, I took more care to make sure my internal life wasn't visible.

Recently, my wife heard me tell someone, 'I'm fine.' She nudged me afterwards, 'No, you're not.'

If I'm honest about it, it feels good. She gets me. She understands."

He might not have recognized it, but - that teacher - his wife - that's what Jesus looks like. He matters. Simple acts. Communicating truth.

Jesus can stand right in front of us, communicating truth, and we miss it? I don't want to.

Pay attention. Recognize it. Receive it. Appreciate it. Respond to it.   

Ordinary People (Part 2), Guest Blogger, Stephanie Johnson

So, Naomi is lost in grief and hopelessness and Ruth does something ... unexpected.

Maybe it is rooted in her own best interest; maybe her family is no family she wants to go home to. Maybe it's pride; who wants to go home a widow with no children to show for a 10 year marriage? Maybe over the years she has formed such a strong love for Naomi that she is willing to risk her own future rather than suffer the loss of the relationship. Maybe it was truly selfless. This young girl, who is not even a Hebrew and doesn't know the God of Israel, recognizes Naomi's need and sacrifices her own security to walk alongside her.

So Naomi returned together with Ruth the Moabite... Ruth 1:22

Things get rather interesting after that. Naomi sets about instructing Ruth on - what COULD be interpreted as - seducing a husband. But, as I am drawn in and caught up by this story, my heart beats with the kind of longing and hope that only the greatest of love stories inspire: Twilight, Titanic, or more to my taste, Wuthering Heights, and Gone With The Wind. The kind of love stories that whisper to the deepest part of us - that we are not alone. That...

God sets the lonely in families... Psalms 68:6

Something else interesting, that may not jump out at you right away, is that unlike most of the Old Testament, YAHWEH never shows up at all. No burning bushes or parting waters. No lions dens, talking donkeys or whale rides. No floods, fires, pillars of salt, grand victories, or smiting of the wicked. The Book of Ruth is all about humans... being very...

Human.

A young woman, struggling with her own loss and insecurity, finds a way to stand by an old woman, who is in desperate need. A lonely and broken widow, finds a way through her own sorrow and grief, to impart wisdom, and help secure a future for a young girl, who is a stranger in a strange land. A powerful man who, instead of taking and abusing, chooses to walk in righteousness. A man who stands tall to defend, protect, and take up the battle of the widow and the orphan.

..."Wait my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out, for the man will not rest, but will settle the matter today." Ruth 3:18

Then suddenly, this brief, seemingly insignificant, 3,000 year old snap shot of a few obscure characters, draws to a close. As swiftly as the sand of the ancient middle eastern desert, slipping through our fingers:

So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife. When they came together, the LORD made her conceive, and she bore a son. then the women said to Naomi, "Blessed be the LORD, who has not left this day without next-of-kin; and may His name be renowned in Israel!" Ruth 4:13-14

And I am struck with the utter plainness of a few ordinary people who found themselves swept into the very center - of God's Extraordinary story.

Maybe Naomi was right after all.

Now these are the descendants of Perez: Perez became the father of Hezron, Hezron of Ram, Ram of Amminadab, Amminadab of Nahshon, Nahshon of Salmon, Salmon of Boaz, Boaz of Obed, Obed of Jesse, and Jesse of David.
Ruth 4:18-21

Ordinary People (Part 1), Guest Blogger, Stephanie Johnson

In the book of Ruth there is a famine which causes Naomi, along with her husband and two sons, to leave their home and go to a foreign land. This land was...strange. A strange land, filled with strange people, who worshiped strange gods, and had a rather sketchy history with Israel. Over the course of time, Naomi's husband and both sons die and she is left alone here.

A devastating, terrifying situation for a woman at this point in history.

Naomi's only hope is to return to her own land and family. According to custom, her widowed daughters-in-law should return to their families in (desperate) hope of finding new husbands. One daughter-in-law chooses to stay with Naomi and journey to Bethlehem. Here, much of the focus in this story shifts to Ruth, but I'd like to stay with Naomi for a bit...

This is what Naomi has to say about the fate that has befallen her:

Even if I thought there was hope for me...(Ruth 1:12) It has been far more bitter for me than it has for you, because YAHWEH has turned against me. (1:13) Call me no longer Naomi (pleasant), call me Mara (bitter), for the Almighty has dealt bitterly with me. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty; why call me Naomi when Yahweh has dealt harshly with me, and the Almighty has brought calamity on me? (1:20-21)

God and Pain.

There's an odd thing about today's Christian and pain - we're really uncomfortable "blaming" God. We want to divorce God from pain. We spend a lot of time analyzing where God is when it hurts, or why bad things happen to good people. But in the end, ultimate blame is attributed to sin, or Satan or a fallen world...

Naomi knew nothing of this.

In Naomi's time - and long, long before Naomi's time - all ancient people believed that "gods" were responsible for everything. There was no such thing as an atheist, or an agnostic, or a distant god. The question was never IF there was a god, or WOULD a god intervene - there was only one question; WHICH god.

Maybe this concept is difficult for us because we have much more knowledge of the workings of the universe. Or maybe it's because we are so self-sufficient and self-reliant. Maybe we dismiss the world view of the ancients as incomplete because this kind of thinking brings God very...very...

near.

Naomi lived out of a belief system that said:
Yahweh, the One True God, All Powerful, All Present, Creator of heaven, earth and all of the universe, has WILLED and DESIGNED my life to be a journey of hunger, pain, loss, fear, insecurity and instability.

What if she is right?

Understanding God

"I need to understand what God wants me to do." I hear this statement frequently. It's a problem. It keeps people stuck.

First, our belief that we could ever understand God is an insult to God.

We're human. We're not all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present. Seriously. God is well, God. His ways are beyond our understanding.

 Second, the source of our "need to understand" is fear. A fear that we're going to:

• disappoint God
• make God angry if we get it wrong
• make a mistake that's gonna bring us more pain

God wants our trust more than our obedience. God is love. Love overrides his disappointment and his anger. Love comes beside us to comfort our pain. 

When you let go of, or even lessen, your need to understand God, you will be freed to trust in God's love for you. 

When you understand God's love for you, you can rest and find peace.

My boss is right.

"Death to self sucks." When I read what my boss wrote, it connected with me. It's direct. It's startling. It's truth.

When I'm counseling, and we uncover the core issue, the need to surrender, death to self, we're at the root. We've arrived! We've found it! If the person will (die to self), they will find the change they've been searching years to find.

It usually follows the harsh reality that one of the beliefs they have is impossible: I don't want to fail; I have to be perfect; I have to please everyone; It's not ok for me to be human.

Everyone spews the line, "I know I'm human." The problem is that we, including me, hold contradicting beliefs that show up and creep into everything.  

"How do I do that?" is what people ask. I can't teach it. I can only say how I experienced it.

When the truth first hit me that I don't like to accept that I'm human, I had to face that I actually thought I was superhuman, superior. "I am harder on myself than others? I think I'm more capable than others? I think I'm better than others? That's terrible! I don't want to be that! It's self-centered. It's too ugly! It's too disgusting. I'm ashamed."

It's true. It's painful. Hence the reason that death to self sucks.  

I didn't push it away. I sat with myself in that truth. It was depressing. I cried alot. I wanted to avoid it and deny it, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It was true. Crap.  

"What now? Is that it? What do I do with this?" If I'm human, I need a Savior. After years of trying, I hit the stark reality that I can't save myself. I will fail. I can't be perfect. I can't please everyone. It's ok for me to be human.

This is where the relationship with Jesus changed it all for me. It turns out that it's what God was waiting for. Dying to self is the point where I stop leading and start following. It's where God says, "Thank you, I've been waiting. I have things for you to do. Let's go!"

He's waiting for you too.

Being made new...

I got an email yesterday from someone who is continuing to Wake Up! When I looked through my previous posts remembering what I'd written on this topic, I found that nearly 2 years ago I wrote this post based on an email from the same person! So, here's a "Where are they now?" update.

My doctor told me last week that based on my blood tests, I should be feeling awful. Honestly, I didn't take in what was said. I was so exhausted, I went home to bed.

 

Since it was spring break week, I barely got up until it was time for work on Monday. I sunk into almost total darkness with suicidal thoughts and of just walking away from my whole life - no one needs me, I'm worthless.

 

It took everything I had to make it to work on Monday morning. I cried the whole way and begged God to help me get through the day. It took everything I had to not turn around and go back to bed. 

On the way to work Wednesday, it was like I had been under water - and suddenly popped to the surface, like I had just walked out of the densest, darkest forest into a field of light. I didn't even understand it, until I realized that the medication had now had time to get my blood levels back up to normal.

It hit me. I remembered your words about "being human". What I had taken as "I've been struggling with depression all my life and can't seem to stop going through this" was not really depression - as in a depressive illness that kept recurring. Over the past few years, these "bouts of depression" are always linked to how I feel physically. If I get sick or just tired, I judge it and myself instead of paying attention to what is going on with my body. I immediately berate myself and reject that there might be something physically wrong that needs to be addressed. I turn it into "I'm worthless". If I do take a couple days off from work, I lay there and tell myself the most horrible things about myself rather than laying there resting. I TURN IT INTO DEPRESSION.

So, on the way to work on Wednesday, I just thought.... What if the next time I don't feel physically well, or I feel tired, I just do the next right thing? Maybe rest a little, maybe go to the Dr., maybe suck it up and keep going if it's not too bad....What if I just do the next right thing and don't add any judgment to it or to myself? What if it's ok to be human and occasionally get tired, or sick?

So - that is my big epiphany! It may sound simple, but, I can hardly describe how free and overjoyed I felt (and still feel) at the thought that maybe depression doesn't have a hold on me. Maybe God intends for me to be truly free and not live in fear that I will "battle depression" for the rest of my life. Maybe it's ok to just be human.

 

Change. Growth. Transformation. Maturity. Following Jesus wakes us up.

Disappointment

1. When others disappoint me - Sometimes people are just bad; other times I set myself up to be disappointed. I see people do some positive things, so I then assume this is who they are most of the time. Jesus said in Matthew 7:16, "By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?" Watch people's lives to know if fruit can be expected. Pay attention over time.

2. When I disappoint others - I can't stand to disappoint the person who is looking for Jesus. We do weekend services the way we do so that people who are looking to find their significance will find Jesus. I can stand to disappoint the righteous; I can't stand to disappoint the seeker.

3. When I disappoint myself - I often live in denial as if what's true, isn't true. I want to believe that if I eat all the cookies I won't gain weight. I live one way but fantasize (or live in denial) that I won't get the results that come from living that way. 

4. When I disappoint God - This happens when my heart wants less than what God wants. Micah 6:8 describes God's desire, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." 

From Mark Beeson's teaching at GCC's weekend service, March 20-21, 2010

Hold on and Cultivate

I've attended church most of my life. It was at GCC that I experienced Jesus regularly at services. Incredible! Jesus is attractive. He attracts crowds.

Outside of services, I started to be intentional to read the Bible, pray, volunteer, and I found Jesus there too. Great! 

Over time, the level of emotion I felt started to fade. It got stale. Something changed. It wasn't new. What had been incredible and great became same old stuff...sad. It kind of felt like something was missing. 

It wasn't Jesus. He didn't change. It wasn't the church. Although every service is different, our message never changes. As Mark Beeson has said, all we ever talk about is "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..."It was me.

I have watched dozens -no, hundreds- go through a similar pattern. They find services incredible! They take steps that are great! And then it starts fading. They sometimes go to other churches or try other things to get the emotions that are incredible and great again. Lots of times they don't bother. If people expect GCC (or any church) to be responsible for their experience with Jesus, they will be disappointed.

Seriously, aren't we, humans, the problem? Marriage, kids, friends, job, church, Jesus -- we simply like things to be new, and the more we experience something, the more conditioned we get to the emotions that come with it. We want incredible and great! That's not a bad thing.

It's about setting our expectations to reality, and then cultivating the experiences in those relationships to keep them fresh. Relationships worth holding onto, the ones that go the distance, the ones we invest the most in, are those that transition over an extended period of time. They are incredible and great! 

Let that vine cling to me for safety. let if find a good and whole life with me, let it hold on for a good and whole life. Isaiah 27:5