Whether someone you love has an addiction, you're trying to raise a teen without going crazy, or you just have a bunch of people who take advantage of you, tough love is often misunderstood.
It isn't about holding them accountable, stating the obvious, or thinking it is mean to set boundaries. They know they're making mistakes, they know there are other options, and they know you love them.
It's often said in anger or tears, "They just don't care!" However, they likely do care -- they just care more about getting what they want rather than doing what you want.
When the people you love are hurting themselves, it's tough to let them have their lives. It's easier to be indifferent, personally wounded, or angry. It's harder to remember that their problem is their problem to solve; it's not about you, it's about them.
Tough love is hard.
Morning Kathy. It always catches me off guard when I stumble across the thing I most need to hear that day. This post, particularly the sentence "When the people you love are hurting themselves, it's tough to let them have their lives. (...)" had that effect for me today. Can this can apply to more than just people with addictions? I guess I'm thinking more of people who lean towards emotionally abusive behaviors.
Posted by: Ann | January 28, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Thanks for letting me know the post was helpful to you.
I think it definitely can apply to emotionally abusive behaviors. It applies to co-dependent relationships, and those are commonly emotionally abusive.
If you want to communicate privately, you can email me at Kathy@KatherineGuy.com.
Posted by: Kathy | January 28, 2013 at 01:56 PM
Hi Kathy, thanks for checking in. I'm actually in therapy now. Just had a tough weekend after talking with a family member who needs that kind of 'tough love'. You're right. It's very, very hard.
Every time I think I've learned how to 'let them have their lives', their problems... I run into another situation with them that I realize I haven't yet really done so. And the interaction sends me downhill again. It's such a long road. Does anyone ever really get to the end of it? And get to the end feeling truly whole and peaceful? Fully accepting of self and of whatever the relationship can and cannot be?
Posted by: Ann | January 28, 2013 at 06:30 PM
Another perspective is to see this process as a continuing journey rather than a destination. It's absolutely possible to feel whole, peaceful and accepting. Although it feels as if there is no change, change is happening when the old behavior happens less frequently and each occasion doesn't last as long.
Be kind to yourself along the way.
Peace.
Posted by: Kathy | January 29, 2013 at 08:30 AM