Because Relationships Matter

Have a friend. Be a friend.

Both of these are needed for healthy friendships. If you're more concerned with having friends, others will recognize the neediness; they won't want to be your friend. If you're more concerned with being a friend, others will recognize the manipulation to them to you; they won't want to be your friend. 

This pattern is often rooted in a paralyzing fear of loneliness. The irony: in the effort to keep your friends close to you, they actually want to pull away from you. 

Jason Miller taught brilliantly on Friendship this weekend, so watch it here if you missed it. Friendships can be relaxed and engaging or tense and exhausting. 

This is my friend Gayle at our Clay High School 25th class reunion. I met Gayle in 7th grade. Gayle loves to talk, and I love to talk with her! She lives in Idaho. We grew up together. Our friendship sustained the challenges of middle and high school. I've known her longer than my husband. We were in each other's weddings. We were together when her mom died of cancer. 

While I consider her a great friend, the closeness varies. We don't know what's happening in our lives on a regular basis, but the friendship is rare and of great value.

Great friendship happens over time. Many people are lonely and desperate for friendship. Growing them is not easy, and not all will develop. The ones that go the distance will be worth it.

Proverbs 18:24: Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.

Carrying Burdens?

Carrying burdens is a heavy force to live under.

Two weeks ago, Mark Beeson asked our staff to list all of the things that concern us. The list was long. There are very few concerns in life that we can control. Our attempts to carry them all weigh us down from becoming who God intended us to be.

A few days later, one of our group facilitators, Laura, updated me on her life. "I have grown so much through this session of Turning Point. Once I tried to focus on God more throughout my day, it was so easy! I don't know what I was thinking before that praying to God in the morning would somehow be all I'd need to do? God said his burden is easy - go figure - it is! I'm doin' really well. It's a good place."  

I love when God connects the dots like that for me with two stories on the same topic.

Forced obedience to God or anyone is slavery. God has freed us. Some strive to gain money or respect. Others work to get their emotional needs met. Even the righteous purpose to reach those who don't know they matter to God can become a heavy burden to carry. 

Seems like a really appropriate focus for this entire week on giving thanks and being grateful. I am.

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:29 - 30

Start with You

Teaching about romantic relationships this past weekend, Rob Wegner said, "Choosing the right person is important. Becoming the right person is more important." You can watch the service here.

I thought it would be awkward if I stood on my chair and started cheering, but I wanted to!

Here are places where I've seen this principle apply to other relationships...

• Raising great kids is important. Becoming a great parent is more important.
• Having good friends is important. Becoming a good friend is more imporant.
• Finding employees with character is important. Becoming a leader of character is more imporant.

Most of us spend some time hurting, being angry, and trying to figure out how to get the other person to change before we look in the mirror at ourselves.

This is my weakest area of listening. I want people to get to the mirror - to look at themselves. They'll generally remain in a state of discomfort, and their pain usually even gets worse, until they do. 

It's hard to wait.  

People Have Choice

Have you ever been really frustrated because you couldn't help someone see just how special they are? Think. Put a face on them.

Is it the one who continues in addiction? How about the one who is being treated really crappy by the person they're dating? Is it the one who is bitter that nothing in life works out for them? 

This same frustration happens to people who work in churches, or really any place that deals with human services: prisons, social service agencies, schools, etc. They all hit the same reality that we each face personally. 

We can help some people know they matter, and others are just a huge puzzle for us: How do we get through to THEM? Why don't they see it?

Methods and language of Church World to solve it: spiritual maturity, discipleship, saving the lost, healing the broken, shepherding people, mentoring, spiritual growth, life transormation, feeding people. We search and search to find The answer, The solution, The key, and we act as if we're certain it's out there. 

Isn't this what God experiences? Do we really believe that we want people to know they are loved more than God wants them to know it? We may deny that we believe that, but our behavior indicates otherwise.

God has had to deal with the frustration of free will, that people have choice, and I believe what we experience is a mere snippet of that. God's love is beyond comprehension. God is love. 

We shouldn't give up, but we shouldn't live in frustration either. Leaders of the Church have an opportunity to model the peace of pressing forward when we don't have all the answers. It may be the most helpful thing we can do to point people to Jesus. 

This is the crisis we're in: God-light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil, addicted to denial and illusion, hates God-light and won't come near it, fearing a painful exposure. John 3:19-20

This is it.

I heard Mark Waltz and Jillian Michaels speaking the same message last night. You may wonder, "How can she compare Journey Bible Classes and The Biggest Loser?" 

Teaching on Finding Forgiveness in Spite of the Pain, Mark said, "Many of you have thought, 'If I can just get past this barrier, this pain, I can move forward, I can start growing spiritually.' Spiritual growth doesn't happen after this pain; it happens in this pain. This is it; all of your life is the journey."

Speaking to contestants who were tired and wanting to get past the pain of being overweight so they could start living, Jillian said [not verbatim - seriously, I don't take notes when watching tv - my paraphrase], "Life doesn't start when you lose the weight. This is it; all of your life is the journey."

I thought, "That's what Mark just said tonight!" Life is the journey. Go figure.

Moving forward is not about wishing ourselves to a new place. It's about accepting the reality of our now, and putting one foot in front of the other. Keep taking steps.

Miss Mark's teaching? It will be online in the next couple days, and you can watch or listen here. You should just come next Wednesday!

Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground. Proverbs 14:18

Still learning social

Starting Point is our GCC group environment for those people who want to meet some people and make some friends. If you don't understand how social stuff is a next step toward Christ, read this post.

Yes, meeting people will happen in any of our group spaces, but it can also happen through volunteering inside the church or in the community. The difference is that meeting people is the focus of what Starting Point participants are intentionally pursuing.

They may be willing to talk a little bit about God and tell some stuff about their life, but overall, they're pretty clear that this is NOT THEIR FOCUS. Their focus is to meet some people and make some friends. 

While I got that, I didn't get it. Social stuff seemed too light, too fluffy, nothing really significant, and yet I really believe that social stuff is holy stuff! The more I get it, the more I let go of directing conversation toward God, the higher attendance stays and the more people have an opportunity to feel connected to GCC, which is where we hope they'll find a greater connection to God. Duh. I'm slow.

It's just hard to program 90 minutes because social stuff isn't programmed; it just happens. On the other hand, if we provide zero direction, then that's lame too! So, consider this an update of what we're doing at Starting Point. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them! 

Unrooting the Lies

At Turning Point this past week, we looked at the thoughts that take root inside of us as beliefs and drive our behavior. These are just a few: I'm different. I'm not good enough. I should have known better. I am powerless. I can't let it out. I am a failure.

However, the truth that God sees in us that correspond with these: I'm ok as I am. I am ok. I can learn. I have choices. I can choose to let it out. I can succeed. 

"I must be perfect" was a lie I believed. Love and affirmation came from personal accomplishments. As I excelled in life, it shifted to "I am perfect." I remember thinking, "I should pray. Perfect people are Christians, I'm a Christian, and Christians pray. I should pray."

I began praying in the only way I knew how, "God, forgive me for ______." I drew a blank. I couldn't think of anything that I had done wrong. I couldn't think of any mistakes I had made. It happened on several occasions. Sadly, I am serious; it was that bad.

Since I attended church faithfully (of course!), it got increasingly more confusing. I knew I wasn't God, but yet, I knew I was perfect, so...It's called a God-complex.  

The lies become rooted so even when you recognize them, you can't make them go away with willpower. It requires bringing God to the center of your life, and he provides the lift to unroot the  lies. The truth about who you are in Christ begins to be revealed. As we connect with God, with love, the truth begins to take root inside of us.

It could not be more clearly written in 1 John 3:18-22. My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him.

Leading thru Pain

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm in the best place to be leading right now." It's a message that I've heard too often. There's a pattern.

If leaders are having problems, and they aren't taking steps to hold onto Jesus for solutions, then yes, it may be good for them to step down. People watch how we live our lives. Leaders have influence. We need them to lead well. The definition of leading well through the challenges of life is the problem.

Leaders often step away, move away from leadership, move away from community when their own lives get messy. It's exactly the time they need to stay close, be transparent, and lead well from a position of humility.

When am I most effective? In my opinion, it's often when I'm broken. When I share a story of pain, people lean in. When I share my own struggle, people lean in. They don't want to hear about our success without hearing about the struggle. 

Leader's most effective times are not always when the pain is behind them either. People want to know their leaders are real. When we trust people, we are saying, "You matter. You matter so much that I'm willing to trust you enough to be transparent with you."

It communicates significance to others when we let them in. It happens in the context of appropriate sharing and relationship.

• A math professor who tells his adult students about his failing marriage: awkwardly inappropriate. 
• A waitress who tells their customer about her bad date last night: too much information.
• A pastor who tells his people about his own struggles with times of doubt: it helps people feel understood.
• A group leader who talks about their own challenges: it models transparently that they aren't alone.