Because Relationships Matter

Making the Space Safe, Part 3

This is the last in this series of blog posts. The list of ways that people can hurt one another is really endless. Group leaders have a tough responsibility to make it happen as best they can. I'm grateful.

Person at a group is talking about their job, and how disrespectfully they are treated by their boss. "The boss is a jerk! I have a college degree, and I'm working on my Masters. I don't need some high school dropout trying to tell me what I need to work on!"

Yep, they're angry and insensitive. They didn't think about others at the group who had never attended college or who had not finished high school. Facilitator noticed immediately, but they were stunned. They couldn't believe it, and really didn't know what to say.

Facilitator called each person. "Hey. I have a responsibility to keep the group safe. I missed it last night. I saw the potential for hurt, but I didn't stop it. I'm sorry." In all cases, the response was positive. They all had indeed noticed, and yeah, it hit some of them as it's the area in which they've held some personal insecurity. They said that they understood the anger and insults weren't directed at them personally.   

Facilitator met to talk alone and in person with the one who made the comments. "I have a responsibility to keep the group safe. I missed it. You were pretty upset, and I realize that you didn't intend your words to be hurtful..." The person had been clueless to the power of their words. Yes, they felt badly. Facilitator allowed them to feel badly but didn't try to make them feel worse. It opened dialogue for further relationship.

The list of ways that people can love one another is really endless. 

Making the Space Safe, Part 2

When somone in a group is talking, we communicate significance by listening. Eye contact, body language, some facial expression, etc. What should the facilitator do when somone in the group is texting instead of listening? 

Here's the scene. Talker looks a couple times at Texter then back at Facilitator; Facilitator notices that Talker is uncomfortable, so he tries to listen really well. It helps only slightly as Talker continues to notice that Texter could care less about what he's saying. 

If Facilitator knew that Texter knew he mattered to God, we could slap Texter around a bit for being a blockhead. What happens when you have two people that don't know they matter to God? How do you provide a safe space for that? No easy answers. 

We live in a rude society. People are inconsiderate. Jeff just told me the other day, "I'm really glad my parents taught us manners. So many people are genuinely appreciative and surprised when you just say, 'Thank you.'" 

1) Accept that people are going to treat others rudely. We can't guarantee a safe experience. We can only do our best to provide one. We need the people in our groups to help us.  

2) Do what you can. Facilitator got Texter's attention at the first opportunity, "Hey, is that phone new? My daughter just got one like it." Texter stopped texing and looked up saying with exasperation, "Yeah, it's pretty good. My mom is texting me about stopping over when I leave here. She makes me crazy." Texter looked up and stopped texting at least for the time being. Facilitator was brilliant in diffusing it! 

3) Cast vision for people of what it looks like to listen well. We do, but we haven't mentioned texting--never thought of it. Duh. We will. We don't have to guarantee a safe space; we simply need to make it a priority and be intentional. It communicates that people matter. They'll notice. 

Making the Space Safe, Part 1

"If you don't believe in God, you have to be blind," was innocently said by a Christian at one of our groups on their first night together. There were others at the table who hadn't spoken yet. 

Our facilitator, a volunteer leader, felt the discomfort and responded. "I have to stop you. That comment wasn't fair." Every head at the table immediately looked to the leader as the person continued. "While I understand what you're trying to say, the comment is offensive. I've had times in my life when I've wondered, when I've questioned, and it's ok. Your comment felt attacking to me." 

The first man responded, "I didn't think of it like that. I'm sorry," and continued with telling the others about himself. While I want to cut this person some slack, it was the first night together, they were nervous, etc., we simply can't. The stakes are too high.

This person knows they matter to God, but there are people who don't! This is not happening on my watch, and I don't want our group leaders to let it happen on theirs!

The facilitator self-assessed their leadership: I just reacted, and I could have chosen gentler words. You know what? I don't care. If the person would have got up and walked out, it would have been unfortunate, but the facilitator gets the vision for the experience -- I'm so proud of them and grateful!Those people in the group now know that our leader has got their back and cares about them. People don't care what we know until they know that we care. It makes all the difference to their next step toward Christ!  

These are a few comments I've heard in the last few days while hearing stories from our guests - seriously, in JUST the last few days:

• "I've heard that God won't forsake you. He'll never leave you. That's a lie. It's not what I've seen."
• "I really was ready to write off this God thing. We grew up in poverty, and we had to go to churches to get food. I hated how the people looked at us. I didn't like them. My father-in-law is a Christian, though, and he's such a good man, what about him? I can't dismiss God because of him."
• "I've been a Christian forever, but I just don't know anymore. I don't know where God is at in this. Why doesn't he show up?"

I get a little crazy about making the experience safe for people who don't know they matter to God. It's the reason that I'm committed to my church, and it's the fuel that keeps me going.    

Turning Point - Loving Others

When Jesus was asked for help with priorities, he made it clear. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." So, we're gonna help people do that through Turning Point - Loving God which you can read about in this post. 

Then Jesus said, "And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." So, we're gonna help people do that! 

Turning Point - Loving Others also launches on Monday, September 21, 6:30 - 8:00, for 10 weeks.

Here's a sampling of the first 3 weeks.

Week 1: You're not alone. Many of us believe that we're the only ones who feel the way we feel, and it keeps us isolated. When we come into relationship with others, we discover that God knows the way home, and he uses people to help us get there.  

Week 2: Our patterns of behavior create problems in our relationships. Our reactions to one another become so automatic that we have to stop, look at our behavior, and consider the patterns. Identify the triggers and identify our reactions so that we can recognize the patterns of the problem. 

Week 3: Problems we experience in our emotions (depression, addictions, ...), in how we function (disorganization, perfection, ...), or in our relationships (controlled, unloved, ...) are symptoms that a problem exists. When we treat the symptom as if it's the problem, we get stuck. Identifying the problem behind the symptoms moves us forward to find helpful solutions.   

We're creating a space where people can learn to love one another as God intended. It's gonna be great!  Register here and come!

Turning Point - Loving God

Over 1 week ago, 342 people made the commitment to live a life following Jesus. This past weekend, over 455 made an outward demonstration of their inward commitment and were baptized. What's next?

When Jesus was asked for help with priorities, he made it clear. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." So, we're gonna help people do that!

Turning Point - Loving God launches on Monday, September 21, 6:30 - 8:00, for 10 weeks.

Here's a sampling of the first 3 weeks.

Week 1: God wants a relationship with you. Many of us consider a relationship with God as going to church, saying a prayer, listening to a Christian radio station every once in a while, etc. We may have to imagine what a relationship with God could look like in order to move toward it.

Week 2: You're more than the mistakes you've made or what you do for a living. You can only start from where you are. We'll consider the adjustments we'll need to make in order to allow a connection with God to begin. 

Week 3: Relationship with God is the key to how imperfect people become all God intended. Communication requires awareness and space. We'll have to be intentional to make it happen.  

We're creating a space where imperfect people can become all God intended. It's gonna be great! Register here & come!

Paul & Philippians

View Point launches Monday night, September 14, for our final run in 2009. It's 6 weeks to talk about the Bible with others in a group.

We'll spend the first two weeks getting to know Paul before he wrote the letter to the church in Philippi, and each of the remaining weeks looking at the four chapters of Philippians. 

Here's a sampling of the first 3 weeks.

Week 1: We'll look at Paul before he knew Jesus (when he was known as Saul). His Jewish belief system was challenged. What stuff in our world challenges a Christian belief system? What emotions does it evoke? How do people respond: avoid, argue, reason, reject?

Week 2: Paul had an experience where he was converted, and he chose to be a follower of Jesus. Even after his eyes were opened, others identified him by his past. How was his identity transformed over time? What are our beliefs about choosing to follow Jesus and how an identity is tranformed? 

Week 3: Paul is writing from prison. The push for his imprisonment comes from the Jews, his own family and heritage. How does Paul respond to the multiple layers of hurt, betrayal, and rejecton underlying his captivity? When someone is hurt, betrayed or disillusioned by the Church or by people in the Church, what are common responses? 

We'll have groups at View Point for those who are married or those who are single (older or younger). Register here and come! 

Principles of a Great Marriage

This is a Journey class being taught at both GCC locations in September, and I'm encouraging couples who want change in their marriage to attend both! Seriously? Yes, seriously! Here's why.

Many marriages are in trouble. People are desperate. Their lives and the lives of their children hang in how this marriage moves forward. Will it end in divorce like too many? Will it endure but continue as a source of toxin and misery to all involved? Will it thrive as both spouses learn that when Jesus commanded us to 'love one another', our spouse is the 'other' to be given top priority over all others?

If emotions don't connect with the need, look at the practical reasons. 

Each class is 3 sessions, so both gives a total of 6 class sessions. With basically an hour of teaching + travel, it's a 12 hour investment of time. It's free. Counseling sessions average $75 an hour, and divorce attorneys are $150 an hour, and those are just the basic financial costs of divorce. Do the math. Don't be stupid. 

The focus is the same, but the content is not. The approach and elements will be completely different but complement one another. We hear what we want to hear.

The teaching style will connect with people differently. The wisdom will come from two equally valuable life stage perspectives. Our ability to hear is impacted by how we connect with the speaker. 

Learning needs to be reinforced. While the content is different, elements from each class will only serve to reinforce the learning from the other. 

Wednesday nights from Bob Laurent at the Granger campus. Sunday nights from Ted & Angela Bryant at the Elkhart campus. Register here.

Go! Yes, even if only one spouse will attend, it will make a difference. Go! You don't have to look far to find a marriage in trouble. Invite someone to come with you.

Position

A few months ago, Mark Beeson talked about giving advice to those above you in leadership. He used a metaphor of a referee in a basketball game: are you in position to make the call?

I spent some time this week meeting with Dave from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church about groups at their satellite campus in San Mateo, CA. He asked, "We're a church with a traditional small group model. How do we move forward? What kind of wisdom would you give us?"

I was humbled that he wanted to talk with me. Menlo Park is lead by John Ortberg, and the San Mateo campus is lead by Nancy Ortberg. John's books were on my desk for some upcoming research, and Nancy is an author and featured speaker herself. It's a reflection of their leadership wisdom that they have a staff culture looking for input from outside their church. 

Seriously, these are church leaders I'd follow, he has access to them, so what am I gonna be able to tell him that's helpful? If you want to give someone input, are you in position to make the call? Have you walked in their shoes?

We've tried most all of the traditional group models at some point in our past. We've moved on from it. We're an atypical group model - in fact, we don't even refer to our groups as small groups. I've not yet found anyone with a group structure like ours or doing groups like us. (If you are, let me know! We need to talk!)

I realized that I was in position to make the call, so I did. Here's what I told him.

Decide who you are as a church. Bring your group ministry into alignment with it. Where is your church going and how can you help the team? How can groups help your church get where it's going? 

GCC is about helping people take their next step toward Christ together. Relationships matter. We believe groups are one way to enter relationship with God and others, but not the only way. Our ministry reflects that. 

Learn. Process. Be still. Listen. Act.

Two books that were invaluable as we shaped groups at GCC: No Perfect People Allowed - Creating a Come as you are Culture, John Burke, & 7 Practices of Effective Ministry, Andy Stanley. 

That's what I told him.