Because Relationships Matter

Better places...

Stories have power. This one marked me. From our teaching this weekend on Dirty Little Secrets, we move into 1st Wednesday services. Jesus invites us to just come. Don't wait until we clean up the mess in our life. Follow me.

I’ve always struggled with loneliness, rejection, abandonment. I know it’s centered around the childhood sexual abuse from my father, and then the various times throughout my life where I was again vulnerable to sexual assault.

 

I have spent a lot of time writing it out, and I thought for years, “I’ve already dealt with that.” I think I’m over it and then I don’t know. I wonder that maybe I haven’t dealt with it. I want to stop hating the emotions. I’ve been ok sharing my story in writing, but the thought of saying it out loud – speaking it to anyone scares me horribly – it makes me sick to my stomach.

 

It’s just so disgusting, you know? Who does that to their child? I have these dark corners of life that I haven’t been able to face. I don’t participate in communion – I just feel too dirty.

 

My uncle, a pastor, told me when I was about 9 that men would always desire me but that I’d never find a man to commit to me. That has dwelled in me, and so to avoid being desired by men, I try do my best to cover up and not draw attention to myself. I continue to hate the thought of people looking at me.

 

My dad used to make me look at porn. I was supposed to study the women in the pictures and emulate the actions. The images still haunt me – it’s how I see myself. I guess that explains why I feel so dirty.

 

My grandma rescued me when I was about 9 years old. She took custody of us and raised us well. I was safe and loved. I consider her ‘my earthly Savior’.

 

About 3 years ago, I made this pact with God that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone again until it was the person that I was going to be committed to in marriage. About a year and half ago, I started dating this guy who was a Christian, and we ended up having sex – the relationship didn’t last. Yeah, I messed up. I can see though that even though I did – it really helped me be stronger. The only man in my life who hasn’t abandoned me or hurt me is Jesus. He became very real to me. I really just want to honor Jesus with my life.

 

I don’t think I’d ever say that I’m grateful for having been abused or anything like that. It is weird though. I can see how God has used it – is using it. I was always so afraid of how I’d be a parent. I never wanted to do to my kids what was done to me. It helped me to see that we have choices. The same way that my dad made a choice to hurt me, I could make a choice to be a great parent.

 

It’s interesting that I recently met another man. He is a Christ follower. I’ve had the courage to talk with him about a lot of stuff over the last couple months. He’s been open to talking about it with me. He understands my commitment to Jesus. He agrees with it. He’s encouraging to me, and I’m encouraging to him. I don’t know what will happen. I trust that Jesus won’t leave me. I just want to keep following him. He’s taking me to better places.  

Understanding Significance

How beautiful is this?  

As hard as it is to be a single parent, as much as I feel like I'm lacking in what I can offer my kids...they're better off with me than without me.

THAT's a whole new thought. I have become a person who makes a positive difference in my kids lives no matter how much I stumble through it. 

I make a difference at my job. Some days I may or may not be a better employee than others - but overall- to the whole program and to the students...what I do really makes a difference.

I matter to my grandma - even if I only see her once or twice a week - it matters. I matter to my mom and dad and my siblings...even if they are freaking dysfunctional. It's funny how I was always so incredibly wounded, always the one who carried all the pain in the family, and now - where my family is concerned...I have somehow become the emotionally strong one-even grounded.

I make a difference in people's lives. People who have watched me grow, seen me struggle, fall, get back up, keep going, holding on. People who have seen God at work in me and in my life. People who I have been able to love and be present for, no matter how imperfectly, because of what God has done in me.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him."

Black & White Thinking: Good or Bad?

I was asked this question. Asking if black and white thinking is good or bad confuses my mind. I said nothing for a considerable amount of time. Any answer would have been...well, black or white.

Looking for absolute answers is very apparent in our Sex for Sale series. Ok or not ok? Right or wrong? Pure or polluted? Unfortunately, it often leads to judging ourselves or judging others (or the church or God) for judging us.

On the other side, there are those who think anything you want to do is cool, let everyone do their own thing, etc. While that may seem very open minded, they often judge those who have an opinion as judgemental - which requires that they judge. 

It's all kind of crazy, huh? There is a difference between judgement and observation. God did give us a brain, and he expects us to use it wisely. We're going to have opinions and make observations.  

Dichotomous thinking is when we try to make conclusions which divide things into two mutually exclusive or contradictory categories. All humans do it to varying degrees and frequency, so it comes with the territory of being human. 

In the Sex for Sale series and beyond, life is full of difficult questions. I wonder if Jesus wants the answer to one question before we'll have clarity on the others that we face in life. 

Will you follow me? If the answer is no, then I'm not sure the answers to the other questions make much difference. If the answer is yes, then it brings clarity to many difficult questions. If I want to follow Jesus, is this behavior helpful or not helpful? We often won't like the answers. (I wonder if it's the reason that many say "I'm not sure yet if I want to follow Jesus.")

Jesus knows that we are human - really human! Jesus knows that well. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Jesus knows we need a Savior. Difficult questions can either make us proud when we categorically answer them, or can keep us humble when we are faced with their complexity. Humility points me toward my need for Jesus. That is good.   

Counseling FAQ

We respond to 5 - 7 counseling inquiries each week. The people are often hurting, and the questions are typically initiated through the web. We were challenged to respond timely, honor confidentiality, while still being efficient and effective.

We went to our Communications Team with our own suggestion to solve the problem. They kindly pointed us toward a better solution. We're thankful they're smart and lead us well!

You can read the most common questions below or all of them at the Get Help page of our web.

What kind of counseling services do you provide? Granger Community Church offers a professional service from a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. We offer an extended single session where we will meet to understand the problems you are experiencing, and talk through your family background and story to gain further insight. We will then provide direction to next steps to help you move forward. If it is determined that continued counseling would be helpful, those options will be discussed with you. We do not offer repeated counseling sessions as traditionally expected.

 

Do you provide family counseling or counseling for kids under the age of 18? We do not offer counseling services for children. However, we believe that parents have the best opportunity to influence their children. Because parents are committed to their children and emotionally connected to the pain the child is facing, it can be helpful for the parents to talk with a counselor to gain additional insight and perspective. We suggest a meeting with only the parents to offer counseling service to help them understand how they can best help their child and the family system.

 

 Is attendance at GCC a requirement of using the counseling services? Attendance is not required, however, our counseling services are an extension of our church. Our ministries are often helpful for those people who have never been to church or who have left the church for some reason and are ready to return. Considering yourself a Christian is not necessary. If you are an active member at another church, we encourage you to contact your local church for guidance and direction.

 

How much does it cost? The suggested donation for this service is $50; it is a contribution to our Stephen’s Fund to help our guests who need financial assistance and it is tax-deductible. If you are not able to offer the donation, it will be waived.

 

Perspective from Distractions

I know I matter to God in my head, but I don't feel it. I don't know how to get it to sink in and connect to it. I'm just not a very good Christian.

This is the most frequent thing that I hear from people.  It's sad. People spend a lot of time trying to follow rules, trying to figure it out, and believing that they're failing. Some conclude that playing church is as good as it gets. It's what I used to think. I didn't know what I didn't know.

It's just one reason that I loved hearing Mark Waltz teach this past Wednesday. "The purpose of spiritual practices is not to get it right, but it's to get more comfortable being more connected to God."

Exactly! When we connect to God, we connect to the truth of how much we matter to Him.

Mark is offering an amazing experience and teaching on meditation at Journey Class for March! It was way more than what most were able to imagine. Here are just a few of the comments I've heard since last week.

Mark just made it so simple for me to understand! I had no idea I could do this. It was incredible!

I have never experienced God in this way. It was incredible for me to know and hear how much God loves me.

I found an amazing awareness of forgiveness! It helped me really hear that I'm forgiven. 

Mark talked about all the distractions that get in our way. "Meditation doesn't dissolve reality, it simply gives you space to push the distractions back a little so you can see." 

I can hardly wait for Journey Class this week! It's never too late to come - I hope to see you there!  

I have a question.

People have real questions.

I was at GCC last week for the first of the series on sex. While I thought the sermon was excellent I have a couple questions. First of all I am in my mid 40s and divorced. I do not have a girlfriend and at this point do not want one. I used to profess to being a Christian but am not sure that I do that now. Right now spiritually I would say I am looking at options for how God fits into MY reality of life. Being a healthy male I do have sexual urges. My question is what is wrong with me going and renting a porn flick and watching it in the privacy of my home? I am not subject children to it. I am not being public with it. I am not violating a physical or emotional bond with any other person. In short I do not see how this effects my ability to function and interact with other people. I understand what the pastor said about allowing sexual actions to lead me off my ultimate goal. But, I do not understand how me looking at porn in the privacy of my home impacts anyone negatively. So I guess my question is, what is the point of that sermon to a middle aged single divorced person? I can see how it would impact a married couple or how it would impact a teen who has their whole life ahead of them. But me? I do not see how it applies. Thank you for taking time to answer this. Some day I might tell you my story.  

I think he speaks for many who won't ask. (He probably speaks for many who don't classify themselves as someone "looking at options" but they aren't asking. They'll just do what they want to do and play church on the weekends.) I respect this guy.

Thanks so much for your email. Really, the questions you ask are good ones. They’re really valid. I greatly appreciate the candor and thoughtfulness of your words.

As much as I’d love to be able to answer your email with black and white answers, I can not. However, I would love the opportunity to talk further with you about them, and I’d be very interested to hear whatever parts of your story that you’d choose to share. Conversation gives us the chance to consider other perspectives and gain understanding.

I’m so glad you’re finding the teaching and services at GCC relevant and helpful as you continue to sort through your options for how God fits in your life. We believe that people matter. They matter to God and they matter to us. Regardless if you decide to contact me further, I’m grateful to know that you’re present.

I believe people need to know that you care before they care what you know. This guy needs to know that he matters to God. Anything else at this point doesn't matter much.

Romans 3:10 As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;"

Oblivious Insults

In the past couple weeks, I've been directly insulted by a couple people with strong opinions. I don't doubt they know the power of their words, but with the displayed "I'm right - You're wrong" mentality, I'm not sure they even noticed what they were communicating. 

At the same time, my response demonstrates that I'm a little slow. "This church only uses about 5% of it's capacity because of the ability of the leaders. Whenever I come here, I feel like I'm in a spiritual vacuum." I wasn't sure what I was hearing, so I asked, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" It was a bad thing. The person continued, and thanked me for listening.

Someone else wanted questions answered before they would choose our church - they had never attended. They specifically wanted a reply from Mark Beeson, so I explained that Mark Beeson trusts those on his team to provide answers to challenging questions in a mannter consistent with our mission, vision, and values, and I hoped to do just that.

Here's what I received back after the second round. "The reason I kept asking for Pastor Beeson to answer my questions was designed to also reveal the  availability of the senior pastor to the lay person in the congregation. Which I can now assume that he is not. I was also curious if this would be given over to any associate pastor to answer in the absence or unavailability of the senior pastor. It wasn't. I am left to conclude that if we were to attend this church the pastors do not seem approachable, which is important to us."  God believes I'm worth the death of Jesus, but to this person, I am insufficient. The conclusion was that GCC would not fit the needs of their family. I agree. 

I try to listen well to criticism because I don't want to miss any valid observations that might help us tell people how much they matter to God. The two people matter to God. They have value. My prayer is that God will keep us humble to hear what we need to hear and the wisdom to ignore what we need to ignore. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:12

Providing Care

"In churches larger than what one pastor can support, small groups are often a tool used to provide pastoral care for people - putting 'love one another' in action. With groups as one option among many, what does pastoral care look like at Granger? Is that something that you expect will happen in existing relationships and leave it at that, are groups an intentional avenue for pastoral care, or is there some kind of counseling ministry or training there?"

Groups at GCC are an intentional avenue to help people develop relationships. Relationships (developed in all of our ministry areas) are an intentional avenue to help people experience care - to experience that they matter to God and they matter to us.

Pastoral care is where it gets 'tricky'. I got together a couple years ago with a group of leaders from other churches with responsibility for the Care Ministries. While there are all kinds of ways to provide care to our guests, these were the common areas we responded to:

• People have needs that require counseling
• People have common needs that can be met in a group setting
• People need someone to visit them in the hospital
• People need others to pray for them
• People need help managing their money
• People need help through gifts of money
• People need to be married and buried

While not all of these can be filled inside of groups, some can. At the same time, we know that some groups are much better at it than others. I think the church has tried to frame small group ministries as the solution to pastoral care needs. The reality is that some groups are great at caring for one another and some groups are not so great.

The Care & Support page of our website lists the services that we provide The services performed by our staff are weddings, funerals, requests for financial assistance, and counseling services; the remainder are provided through volunteers. We have great volunteer teams who know that people matter to God and they love the honor to communicate the message! I'm grateful!

Not the Brady Bunch

The Brady Bunch ideal of parental love is locked in our minds. It's the blended family ideal that makes people like this guy want to put himself into the picture! 

I was the product of my parents' second marriage. They had 6 kids combined when I came along. They divorced when I was 19 before proceeding to their 3rd set of wedding vows.

Some friends just married, and they each have 3 kids. They were preparing to tell their children (ages 6 - 11). I gave some counseling input which they said was helpful. Since I know some others in similar situations, I thought I'd share it here. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

• Marriage is about you - giving priority to one another as a couple.
• Telling the kids is all about them - focus on their emotions. It's not about you.
• Tell each of your kids separately; they'll have the space to react without the pressure of potentially hurting the feelings of anyone in their new step parent or siblings.
• Say it as simply and matter of fact as possible. "We have decided to get married. If you have any questions – now or later – you can ask.”
• Avoid “How do you feel about that? What do you think? Are you ok with it?" questions. They likely don't how they feel or what they think - asking just forces them to give an answer. Kids often reach distorted conclusions about stuff anyway - asking them to “make a conclusion” doesn't help. 
• Most of the emotions and questions are going to be about this new family. Their mom and dad aren’t together. This stinks for them. 

When you're all together in this new blended family, there's more to talk about: keep it simple - it's heavy stuff, but make it brief (over ice cream or pizza or something the kids can look down at rather than having direct eye contact with you).

• "We both hoped to only get married once. Both of us got divorced. Divorce is sad. We aren’t getting divorced – ever."
• "It is sad that your own mom and dad aren’t married." You're not telling them what to feel - simply stating that divorce is sad.
• You only have one mom and dad. You don’t have two. I’m not trying to replace your mom/dad. I’ll just love you like a mom/dad.
• You’re not my kids but I’ll love you and take care of you and protect you like you’re my kids.
• It’s confusing. You can just ask questions to either of us when it comes up. We’re all learning how to do this, but you can trust that we’ll get it figured out.

Prepare for some questions.

• What do I call you? Keep calling me whatever you've called me or you can call me something different. You get to decide.
• Can you spank me? Punish me? That’s a good question. What are your concerns if I do?
• How come you got divorced? Adults divorce for adult reasons. They aren’t good reasons. Divorce shouldn’t happen but it does. It’s sad.
• How do you know you won’t get divorced? We’re gonna keep God at the center of our marriage. God will be like glue – we’ll be stuck together. (Known any kids that don't love glue? Glue is good!)