Stories have power. This one marked me. From our teaching this weekend on Dirty Little Secrets, we move into 1st Wednesday services. Jesus invites us to just come. Don't wait until we clean up the mess in our life. Follow me.
I’ve always struggled with loneliness, rejection, abandonment. I know it’s centered around the childhood sexual abuse from my father, and then the various times throughout my life where I was again vulnerable to sexual assault.
I have spent a lot of time writing it out, and I thought for years, “I’ve already dealt with that.” I think I’m over it and then I don’t know. I wonder that maybe I haven’t dealt with it. I want to stop hating the emotions. I’ve been ok sharing my story in writing, but the thought of saying it out loud – speaking it to anyone scares me horribly – it makes me sick to my stomach.
It’s just so disgusting, you know? Who does that to their child? I have these dark corners of life that I haven’t been able to face. I don’t participate in communion – I just feel too dirty.
My uncle, a pastor, told me when I was about 9 that men would always desire me but that I’d never find a man to commit to me. That has dwelled in me, and so to avoid being desired by men, I try do my best to cover up and not draw attention to myself. I continue to hate the thought of people looking at me.
My dad used to make me look at porn. I was supposed to study the women in the pictures and emulate the actions. The images still haunt me – it’s how I see myself. I guess that explains why I feel so dirty.
My grandma rescued me when I was about 9 years old. She took custody of us and raised us well. I was safe and loved. I consider her ‘my earthly Savior’.
About 3 years ago, I made this pact with God that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone again until it was the person that I was going to be committed to in marriage. About a year and half ago, I started dating this guy who was a Christian, and we ended up having sex – the relationship didn’t last. Yeah, I messed up. I can see though that even though I did – it really helped me be stronger. The only man in my life who hasn’t abandoned me or hurt me is Jesus. He became very real to me. I really just want to honor Jesus with my life.
I don’t think I’d ever say that I’m grateful for having been abused or anything like that. It is weird though. I can see how God has used it – is using it. I was always so afraid of how I’d be a parent. I never wanted to do to my kids what was done to me. It helped me to see that we have choices. The same way that my dad made a choice to hurt me, I could make a choice to be a great parent.
It’s interesting that I recently met another man. He is a Christ follower. I’ve had the courage to talk with him about a lot of stuff over the last couple months. He’s been open to talking about it with me. He understands my commitment to Jesus. He agrees with it. He’s encouraging to me, and I’m encouraging to him. I don’t know what will happen. I trust that Jesus won’t leave me. I just want to keep following him. He’s taking me to better places.
Very powerful.
Posted by: beth | April 01, 2009 at 05:25 PM