I don't know if this will be helpful for you or not, but I need to process. I had three counseling sessions this week alone that were identical in nature. The commonality of this pattern from week to week is overwhelming. How many will proceed to divorce that we're not talking with? Too many.
The descriptions of the conflict are interchangeable between the marriages. One spouse made the appointment; the other spouse refused to come. The absent spouse had filed for divorce. The present spouse was in crisis and panicking. They all get the same crisis intervention message.
"Your largest fear is that your spouse will divorce you. If they are determined to divorce you, you can't stop them. Don't give up on your marriage, but give up the fear. When you face fear, you face the enemy. While it's a dark reality, enter the pain of it. Cry. It's sad. While you do, know the truth.
Your spouse is communicating that you don't matter. The truth is that you matter to God, Creator of the Universe. God is #1, and your spouse is #2. Get clear on that truth and hold onto it. As soon as you do, you will then be free to respond in the most God-honoring way."
The visible shift in body language is incredible! Eyes open, head gets raised, shoulders draw back, and they sit taller as they nod in agreement. They're listening.
I hate divorce. I really hate it. It happens too often. While this 1:1 approach doesn't feel very effective, I know that God hates divorce more than I do. If there's a more effective solution, I'm praying he'll make it so evident that we can't miss it!
I agree with you. It can be so hard though to get hold of that truth and keep it in a very real way, especially if you’ve spent your life in a family or church where love is conditional in nature.
Head knowledge that you really matter to God is better than not knowing at all, but it’s that journey from head to heart that seems so incredibly difficult and important. I’ve seen so many struggle with this, myself included, and I wish there was some easier way to make that connection.
I appreciate that GCC never lets an opportunity go by that they don’t confirm that you matter to God. Given the constant, daily barrage of messages that say otherwise, it can’t be overdone.
Posted by: ron | May 23, 2008 at 03:32 PM
Kathy - Thanks for your reflections on divorce and the similarities in responding to those facing divorce. Good stuff!
Posted by: Andrew Conard | May 23, 2008 at 07:52 PM
This is so very true! I know--I've been there. Trying to "get it right" and make a marriage work while measuring my worth by how I was (mis)treated. It took years after my divorce, and my ex long gone, to realize only God mattered, not what everyone else thought. Keep pushing forward with this--some of us take time, but with people like you teaching it and reminding, more will eventually get it!
Posted by: Rindy Walton | May 23, 2008 at 11:27 PM