Because Relationships Matter

Difficult Conversations

Ecclesiastes 3:7 includes the guidance that there's 'a right time to shut up and another to speak up'.

At one of our groups, one frustrated person spoke in generalizations that were insensitive to many others around the table. The words weren't directed at these people;the hurt was not intentional. The facilitator noticed. No one in the group made a directly responsive comment; the conversation continued to flow.

The facilitator said afterward, "I knew I should say something! I just didn't know what to say." There was an opportunity to place a humble phone call to all those in the group, "I made a mistake. It's my job to provide a safe experience, and I failed to say anything last night when..." Several had noticed the words spoken. A few acknowledged the hurtfullness, but they were gracious to their leader and to the person who misspoke. The call from their facilitator communicated care. People matter.

The facilitator met with the peson who misspoke. The person then recognized their mistake, and there was regret. The facilitator communicated grace. They went on to talk individually about how this failure to be sensitive to the needs of others in this group might be reflective of how this person is seen by their spouse and their co-workers. (That is the power of group at it's best for personal change!) 

The person who misspoke told the facilitator, "Thank you. Thank you for caring enough about me to do this, to talk with me, to have this conversation. I respect you. I am really grateful." The investment  of time and the willingness to be uncomfortable communicated care. People matter.

When I don't know what to do, I ask myself, "Do I love this person enough to be uncomfortable myself?" This isn't license to sit everyone in your sphere of influence down to give them your opinion. That's self-righteous! These conversations come from a place of humility. It is the action of loving one another.  

Is it a copout?

I told a group of church leaders last Friday that we don't expect all of our guests to be in a group. We do expect all of our guests to be in a relationship. All of the steps we offer lead to further relationship with God or people.

A couple different churches bravely asked me one-on-one: "Isn't it just easier to not expect everyone to be in a group because it's so hard to make happen? Is your approach a copout?" It's a fair question, and I love candid talk. Here are the reasons why I believe our approach is helpful.

1) It's realistic. Church leaders have been known to dream, "If we build just the right group structure, they will come - 100% of them will come!" Waking up brings us to reality, the same reality that God faces.

People turn their back on God. He accepts the reality and provides a path for those who choose to follow. We focus our energy on creating great group environments for those who choose it.

2) It's simple, but it's not easy. If we have to work and work and work to get everyone to come to our groups, and we never really find a solution, we're missing something. 

I really believe God is good. I don't believe we're given an opportunity to serve God only to live inside the hell of personal frustration as ministry leaders! If I'm going to bring my best problem-solving skills to the challenges we face in the church, then I need to get my own emotional junk out of the way. When we don't try to get everyone in a group, we are freed from the emotional junk. 

In a state of peace, we hear and see the direction God is leading. We follow. Obedience isn't easy.

3) It's loving. When we try to push people one direction when they are trying to communicate that they aren't interested, we're not listening well. People generally take steps toward where they find acceptance.

Tim Stevens brilliantly wrote that people just aren't that into church. He did not say that we should all quit and go home. We can pour energy to get people to do something they won't all do, or we can pour energy into creating the best environments possible for those who choose to take a step. 

Meeting people where they're at is what Jesus does for us. Acceptance. Love one another. It's what we're trying to do in GCC Groups.  

Seriously. Sign. Up.

If there's anyway you can find the time, there's no better way you can spend 2 weekdays than to attend Leadership Summit 2009! 

I know of several people whose employers will consider this as 'employment training'. If you attend, it is highly probable that your employer will benefit. Maybe you should ask - maybe they'll even pay for it!  

Sign up by June 30 to get the rate of $75. (Password is TLS2009 for GCC attendees.) 

There are a couple questions that people ask me pretty often. "How did your life bring you to pursue a masters degree in counseling at 42 years old?" (It was 7 years ago for those of you curious about the math.) "How did you end up on the staff at GCC after 24 years at the phone company?"

That story includes moments from two separate Leadership Summits (I've been going for the past 9 years) where I gained an insight that literally changed my life!

I don't know if it will be life-changing for you, but I do know that God will be present! I hope you can come. 

"It's all about the kids."

I confess. I was one of millions who tuned in last night to hear the news from Jon & Kate + 8 about their decision to move from separation to divorce. It's on every tabloid cover, and I don't have much interest, but yet...I watched. Puzzling.

On too many occasions to count, they mentioned that the kids have been the top priority in their lives above their marriage. Sad. I'm hoping they'll recognize the problem with how their lives have been prioritized.

Marriage works best with priorities of God, spouse, kids, everything else. I hope they have a wise friend who loves them enough to tell them. 

The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, and a wise friend's timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger. Proverbs 25:11-12 

Is that you God?

We know from countless Bible stories that God has a voice. Discerning it is beyond difficult. It's gotten the forefront of my attention this week. 

I get a lot of thoughts and insights into stuff, and I struggle with what to do with them.Should I say something? Should I let it go? If I say something, what bad things will they think of me? If I say something, how could it help? If I don't say something, what could happen? If I don't say something, what bad things will they think of me? 

I had 2 different occasions this week where I wrestled and decided to move forward. Measured by the response of the recipients, one went really well and the other one didn't. 

I had 2 more times this week where I wrestled and didn't move forward. One situation ended tragically. The other one is still in process.

God, if you could make this a little easier to hear your voice, it would be really helpful! What do you want me to do? Samuel didn't recognize your voice when it was audible, and he had Eli to tell him it was you. I have learned to wait, pray, listen, consult, not act impulsively - I can't think of anything to do differently!

...and I hear back from God this message, and I am certain beyond doubt that this is God's voice: You recognize my voice. Follow it. Just because it didn't go well by your standards does not mean it wasn't my prompting that you acted on. You are human. I already know that, but you're still learning it. I really am God without you. Yes, some stories will end tragically. Yeah, I do wish you would have acted on my prompting, but it's not like I don't have other options. Get over yourself. You do realize you're not my only follower, right?  It doesn't change a thing. I still love you. No, I am not changing. It is finished. Remember? Keep going. I am.       

Stories Matter

Jesus was asked, "Why do you tell stories?" Jesus said, "You've been given insight into God's kingdom. You know how it works. Not everyone has this gift, this insight; it hasn't been given to them. Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely. But if there is no readiness, any trace of receptivity soon disappears. That's why I tell stories to create readiness, to nudge the people toward receptive insight. In their present state they can stare till doomsday and not see it, listen till their blue in the face and not get it." (Matthew 13, MSG)

A man met with a group of men every week over a six month period. He later told this story to another group of men during the 2nd week of meeting with their group.

"Before I started Turning Point, I was angry and full of rage. I was raised in a violent home; I promised to never repeat that with my kids. In order to control it, I hit on a heavy bag every day. After 6 months of meeting with these guys every week, and just talking, it really helped me. It changed my life. There's maybe 1 - 2 days a month now where I still use the bag. Talking to those guys changed me."

Stories...to create readiness and to nudge others toward receptive insight.

Church leaders ask...

I frequently get contacted from other church leaders asking about Groups at GCC. I love talking about what we do! What I hate is that the answers get complicated; what we do requires different questions from what are normally asked.

Most of the models for doing small groups, training, and structure --- yeah, we don't follow. So, I've invested some time over the past couple years on this blog to provide further understanding.

How does Granger get people to want to join a small group? We don't try to get everyone in a group. 

How do you get new small groups started? Our goal is not to start new groups, and we don't call them small groups, life groups, home groups, etc.  

If you don' have everyone in a group, how does Granger disciple people and provide care? There are some realities that we've faced: realities about groups and realities about organizational structure. 

Doesn't the church have a responsibility to make people be accountable to one another? We don't believe that's our responsibility.

Do you hear complaints from people? Yes.

How did you make all these changes? We offer less choices.

What does Granger offer then in terms of groups? Monday is Group Night at GCC.

When people do opt to meet as a group on their own, how do you know what they're studying or talking about? What's your approval process? We don't have an approval process, and we don't track what they're doing.

How does Granger find competent group leaders? We look for those who have doubt.

How do you know your leaders are spiritually mature? We don't.

How does Granger provide leader care? Connect. Value. Include. Challenge.

I hope this serves as a helpful 'one stop place' to get some answers. I'd love to talk with you further! I hope this is an effective way to help you first get your head around how we do groups at GCC. I look forward to hearing from you!

God is Love

In Craig Groeschel's teaching today, he used an illustration of people in a bar and how they are often open to talking about love, God, and spirituality. I connected with Craig's story.

As we left a wedding reception, a very drunk man stopped me. "I can tell you have love. I see you and your family. You have love." I waited. He came closer to whisper. "I need it. I need to grow. I need to grow in Christ."

I affirmed his awareness. We were interuppted, and I admit that I was grateful at the moment. I wasn't sure what to do with his confession.

Still trying to exit minutes later, he approached me again. Inside of the handshake that made for an awkward lack of personal space, he pulled me very close. With intense eye contact, he said, "I love Jesus." I smiled and said, "I'm glad. More importantly, Jesus loves you. He really does love you." His eyes were teary. I don't know if it was from that truth or from the alcohol. 

Some might dismiss that "He's drunk. What matters is what he'll do when he's sober." Really? Drunk or not, he knows he needs Jesus. Jesus meets us where we're at - all of us! God loves the drunk guy who professes his love for Jesus.

I don't know what this guy will do in response to that love. I'm just glad that God is Love, and that he gives us the chance to offer love to one another.

Everything happens for a reason; I know God has a purpose.

This saying has a few variations. Regardless of which one is used, it makes me cringe.

I know it can be true -- I know it can be helpful -- I know it can be comforting. I get that. The problem: it isn't always true, it isn't always helpful, and it isn't always comforting. It is too often a trite Christian saying, like many others.  

Many things happen because people make choices, both bad and good ones. Some of them honor God. Some don't. 

Terminal illness, tragic accidents, and natural disasters - they just happen. The reality is that we simply don't get to understand. No matter how much we want God's understanding or project our interpretations of God's purpose, we're limited by our human understanding.    

While I know that God can use anything for good, it's rarely helpful to hear at the moment of greatest despair. When Jesus told us to love one another, I think he meant for us to be present - to listen - to care. It's hard to do.

I'm really proud of our facilitator teams that create this atmosphere at each Turning Point group. Last Monday, 75 people came to take a step towards personal change over the next 10 weeks. We don't know where this journey will take them or how it will unfold. We provide a space for them to take a step toward Jesus, and we know it's the right direction! 

Jeff & Brianna

Just moments after their ceremony, our son is really happy! He has good reason as he's married a wonderful woman - we're thrilled!