Because Relationships Matter

Perfectly Human

"I know. No one's perfect, but..."

It's a common expression. We know it's true. Yet, many of us feel the need to be perfect and work diligently to accomplish the goal.

When perfection is expected, there's a spectrum of results when we're hit with the reality that we're not. One extreme leaves us feeling worthless and shameful. The other end of the spectrum leaves us feeling dominant and prideful.

It's a life with little peace.

When our goal shifts to being perfectly human, it changes everything.

When being human is expected, there's a spectrum of results. One extreme leaves us feeling sadness and pain. The other end of the spectrum leaves us feeling joy and exhilaration. Neither end defines us.

It's a life with great peace.

Accepting our self as human gives the freedom to grow and change. The degree that we offer acceptance to our self is directly related to the acceptance we offer to others.

It's called love. Perfect.

 

Boundaries as Art

In relationship, boundaries are critical. They demonstrate self-awareness about what you can control, who you are responsible to, what you are responsible for, how much to say, when to leave, etc.

If you have problems with boundaries, you don't learn them instantly. Some of the most dangerous people are those who think they have boundaries but they are actually boundary-less. They draw lines in the sand. They think boundaries are a science.

They say, or more often shout, things like:

• Listen to me. Do it this way and you won't get hurt.
• I can't care half-way. If they don't want what I have to say, I can't concern myself with them.
• I have set a boundary on you. You are violating my boundary! 
• You can't make me -- that's against my boundary.
• We have to talk about this. Things have to change.

When you don't have boundaries, it is important in the beginning to be firm. After you gain confidence in your ability to recognize your boundaries, you can loosen your grip. People who want you to do things their way may be angry, or withdraw, or ask you to explain when you already made your position clear.

Having boundaries is an art. They may be rigid or changing. They may be black & white one day and shades of gray the next. Some will love it and others will hate it.

Boundaries are not about perfection. Be self-aware. Find a good friend who will tell you what you don't want to hear. Adjust as needed. Live a life of art.

Both Exist

People we trust do good.

People we trust do bad.

We want to trust them.

We see they are not worthy of our trust.

We care for them deeply, so we hold onto our relationship.

We know they are not safe or good for us.

People do good.

People do bad.

They might change.

They may not change.

Accept who they are, and the relationship for what it is.

Both exist.

 

Searching For The Reason

"Everything happens for a reason."

It's a common expression. The ability to explain life, especially bad stuff, gives us comfort and makes us feel safer.

Beyond that purpose, it's crap.

Our minds keep searching for "the reason". This often leads us to conclude, "It happened because: I deserved it. I'm not good enough. I don't matter."

Because the expression often includes "God will use it for good," this leads to the next conclusion: "God doesn't want me to be happy. God is punishing me. God is disappointed in me."

Besides feeling like crap about what happened, we now feel like crap about ourselves or about God if we twist it up spiritually!

Wait -- there's more. The old wound often resurfaces in the future with this additional conclusion: "What's wrong with me? Why can't I move past this? Why can't I get over this?"

There is nothing wrong with you. The solution you've applied to your pain is bringing you more pain.

Things happen that just suck. Whether it was a crazy accident, the result of one bad decision after another, or abusive behavior: it sucked.

Bad things happen. Good things happen. Creating a direct relationship between them is not helpful.

Experience both.

Mask of Confidence

Confidence and security are independent. Confident people are often viewed as being secure. However, deep insecurity often hides behind their mask of confidence.

Some wear the mask to the public, but they know it's a mask and fear being revealed. There is generally deep shame; the fear of what would be revealed is irrational, but they feel the fear deeply. Their self-image is distorted; they believe they are not good enough.

If you reveal seeing the worst things about them and love them anyway, they will push you away initially, "You are wrong about me. I am not good." When they surrender to being loved, accept themselves as human, they are free to live without the duplicity of the mask.

Some wear the mask to the public AND to themselves, but they believe the mask is who they are. They don't know who they are without it. Their self-image is distorted; they believe they are somehow special.

If you reveal that you see behind their mask, they will push you away indefinitely, "You are wrong about me. I don't think I'm better (or insecure). They don't easily surrender to being loved; they hang out with people who either don't see the mask or pretend not to see it but judge them for it.

For either category, the spouse has the highest probability of offering the mixture of truth and acceptance they need. Since they often marry one another, one of them has to find the security to take off their mask.

Give & Take

Being independent doesn't = strength. When we don't believe we can lean on others, we take care of things alone. We ignore our relational needs and come across as unloving.

Being dependent doesn't = weak. When we don't believe we can survive without others, we don't take care of what we can. We obsess on our relational needs and come across as needy.

Whether relationships have one of each or two of a kind, relationships get messed up.

The independent one becomes more distant as the other person seems too needy, and the dependent one becomes needier as the other person seems more unloving. If both are independent, they quit. If both are dependent, they enmesh. We're all a little bit of both.

Although it's a perfect storm for problems, rebuilding is possible.

Interdependence is the goal. We can each survive on our own, and we can each lean on the other. Some days we'll be available for the other, and some days we won't have it to give. No scorecard -- we're on the same team.

Great relationships grow in atmospheres of give and take.

Care Enough To Be Uncomfortable

When we don't communicate, we are often accused, "You just don't care!"

What if talking about it leads to an argument, silence or tears? What if it leads to you being judged or not liked? What if you're just afraid?

When it's uncomfortable, we find a number of reasons to justify or rationalize saying nothing when something needs to be communicated.

However, when we try to avoid things, we ultimately gravitate towards them. We find ourselves in hostile or distant relationships. We end up feeling unloved. What we feared most is now, or soon will be, reality.

The other person accuses us of not caring. We try to explain and defend just how much we care, but it doesn't seem to work.

We do care, but we didn't care enough to be uncomfortable. What really sucks is that what we were trying to avoid ends up happening anyway!

When we care enough to move beyond our own feelings of discomfort to become transparent and vulnerable, that is love.

Vulnerable

"I don't like being vulnerable. It makes me feel like I'm weak."

It's a common belief, a myth, that being vulnerable is weak or makes you look weak. The opposite is actually true.

Weak is not being able to withstand harm, while being vulnerable means you are open to it. It doesn't mean you will be harmed; it simply means that you believe the relationship, yourself, or the other person is worth the risk.

I am not suggesting being a martyr or allowing yourself to be abused. However, if you experience painful emotions, it doesn't mean the relationship is abusive.

All abusive relationships are unhealthy, but all unhealthy relationships are not abusive.

When we're vulnerable, we expose ourselves to pain, but we also expose ourselves to love, joy, and peace. It's a choice that demonstrates our strength.

"I know I may get hurt, but I can find a way through it. The relationship is worth the risk."

When unhealthy relationships heal, vulnerability is the strength that's needed.

Tough Love

Whether someone you love has an addiction, you're trying to raise a teen without going crazy, or you just have a bunch of people who take advantage of you, tough love is often misunderstood.

It isn't about holding them accountable, stating the obvious, or thinking it is mean to set boundaries. They know they're making mistakes, they know there are other options, and they know you love them.

It's often said in anger or tears, "They just don't care!" However, they likely do care -- they just care more about getting what they want rather than doing what you want.

When the people you love are hurting themselves, it's tough to let them have their lives. It's easier to be indifferent, personally wounded, or angry. It's harder to remember that their problem is their problem to solve; it's not about you, it's about them.

Tough love is hard.

Give As You're Able

People need help. Giving to others is just good to do. It helps us get over ourselves.

We just finished the Season of Giving. Deciding from all the worthwhile causes isn't easy. Here are things we consider.

Don't...

• Try to sell or manipulate us.
• Add us to your mailing lists. If we gave to you freely, don't start asking now!
• Tell us we are special, important, valued, or significant. We get it.

Do...

• Treat us respectfully.
• Be transparent. Tell us what you do, your purpose, and we'll decide if we want to support it.
• Use the money wisely to help people. We get that you have to pay for salaries, lights, etc. Be smart.
• Let a simple, "Thanks for the help," be sufficient.

If you're being told that you'll get something in return for a donation, run! We stop reading, turn off the tv, or close the web browser. Good liars suck you in to buying their load of crap. It's wrong, but it happens. Try to learn from it.

There are still good people who need help. Find them.