Because Relationships Matter

The Love Dare

The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick is is what I'm reading.

  I have a great husband and marriage, and yes, I feel loved. (Seriously, if you lived with me, it's crazy how well Jeff loves me!)

So, why am I reading it? I want to love well. It's not more complicated than that. This might be the best Valentine's gift you could do for the person you love!

It's a book that is set up for 40 days of reading. Each day averages 2- 3 pages. While this book isn't about communication skills, personalities, and the typical "Make your marriage better" books, it's brilliant! It just gets to the heart of it all.

Because too many people will read it and respond, "I tried it. It didn't work. My spouse is still a jerk. My marriage is still bad," I tell them this.

It will be VERY IMPORTANT that you focus yourself every time you pick up the book.  

 “This is not a method so that I can feel loved. The Love Dare is about helping me love well. I want to be faithful to God to love my spouse well – regardless of what my spouse does. I am going to love well.

This does not mean that I have to set all my needs aside sacrificially, or that I have to be a door mat. From taking in how much I’m loved by God, I want to love well. Beginning with feeling God’s love for me, I will go from there to love my spouse well as I work through growing my own heart.” 

Do not measure the effectiveness by a change in your spouse. Measure the effectiveness by a change in how you respond to your spouse.

Just to be certain this is clear: DO NOT BUY IT AND GIVE IT TO THEM! Oh my --- it's for you to read!

It's been a top seller at the GCC Bookstore, so it's even 20% off!

Money & Emotions

It's very common for someone who struggles with anxiety or depression or love, to also struggle financially. Those with money problems, often have marriage or ... you get the picture.

Scenario #1: "It makes me physically ill when I have to pay bills. I have bad checks because I don't keep a register or track very well what's in my account. I don't keep track because it makes me physically ill to look at it."

What happens when they run out of money, have to go to court or pay fees for the bad checks? You guessed it, "It makes me physically ill."

Scenario #2: "I've had a lot of people help me over the years. They've helped me fix my car, given me a place to live. I really want to give back to others like all those people who have helped me. 

In response to how to change the pattern of their life, "I don't like money. Money isn't important to me. It's just not a priority."

How will they ever be in a financial position to care for themselves or to help others if handling money doesn't become a priority?

As Mark Beeson brilliantly taught, (it's the last video under 'teaching'), the condition of the heart indicates how we'll handle money. Money & emotions are inextricably linked. Positively or negatively, they feed one another. Our goal is to have them feed one another positively, but so sadly, many keep feeding them negatively. 

I am always challenged of whether they'll get more help from Turning Point or Financial Peace Univeristy. They both lauch on February 22. Where they should start isn't important as starting!

Money Story

This is a great story of life change -- small changes that can make a big difference!

Before Financial Peace, I was in charge of our finances, including all the stress.  My husband did not know where the money was going each month.  Now, we have sat down together and completed a budget.  It was very hard for me at first, because I didn't want him to actually "see" the amount of debt we had - maybe I was just scared he would point fingers at me, but that didn't happen.  We are both on the same page as to what debt we will pay off first, and we are both working toward the same goals now.

We used to eat out 3-4 times each week.  Our children were not used to sitting at home together around the dining room table.  Now, we try to only go out 1-2 times each week, usually once is after church, and each family member takes their turn at picking the restaurant.  Our boys love it!  There is no more fighting as to where we are going or who got to pick - they know that week whose turn it is!

Although all the debt is not gone, I feel as if we have a hold on it and are working to eliminate it!  Since taking the class, my husband got a different job (he was self-employed in construction), and I picked up two teaching jobs in the evening.  We have had to make sacrifices, but it is well worth it.  Our oldest son is even on the saving bandwagon - before he would spend any money he would get.  Now, he keeps a portion to spend, but places the majority in his savings account.

One of the biggest accomplishments I am most proud of is that we are finally tithing 10%, and it is coming directly off the top before any bills are paid for the week.  I truly believe that giving to God what is due to Him is the only way we will get out of debt, and we are finally headed down that path!

 

The teaching this weekend will use video teaching from Dave Ramsey. We launch Financial Peace University on February 22.

The Church of Facebook

I'm a member of Facebook. I don't update my status. My prominent activity is that my blog posts from Typepad are imported to Facebook as a note. I also don't Twitter.

I sound like a technical dork (which I can be at times) or obstinate to the reality of social networking. Neither are true. So, while I'm not a typical member, I know it's shaping our behavioral response to human emotions and the ever changing culture of how relationships are shaped. 

Social networking fills a basic human need for connection. While its' not the most helpful method for me, The Church of Facebook, by Jesse Rice, is a book that explores the hidden truths behind the several hundred million people who have joined in five years.

Besides filling the need to connect, it allows us to decide how we want to be perceived by others, either by what we reveal or what we hide. FB gives us control. It demonstrates our deep need and search for acceptance. 

There are those who will say, "No, really. I just wanted to join Facebook to see what all the hype is about." While that's true for some, a majority have made this a high priority for how our limited time is spent.  

Frances Chan said in a recent teaching, "Years from now, there will be a revealed purpose from Facebook and Twitter. It will be evidence that our lack of relationship with God was not due to a lack of available time." I don't say that to bring shame. It's said to shed light on the value that people give to it.

In the last month, I've had 3 separate people talk about their overwhelming feelings when no one comments on their FB wall, or sends them a text. "Are my friends mad at me? Have I done something?" They know it's irrational to have these thoughts, but it's hitting the roots of their insecurity. It holds a prominent place in our lives. 

The book was a good read. It's an intriguing topic. Let me end with this quote from Jesse, "While our social connections are growing exponentially, the number of people with whom we feel safe to trust the most important parts of ourselves is clearly shrinking." 

Laughing at Starting Point

Relationships are the foundation for everything. People want to have fun. How can we help them have fun?

Kristen Baker, (GCC staff phenom!) has taken a group of artists to form an Improv Team. Last night was the 3rd week of six for this session of Starting Point. The Improv Team provided the backdrop for an evening of laughter!

In this picture, the volunteers (female in the shadows, and the brown shirt guy) had to physically 'move' the actors arms and bodies to go with the actors words of teaching one to swing a baseball bat to hit a pitch. Very funny to see! Sorry...should have had video for full effect, but I appreciate Mark Waltz photos!

This photo shows the Improv Team helping the guests 'warm up' a bit, laughing, all eyes forward so no one needs to feel stupid that others are watchng them.

As one of our values is to provide a safe experience, we counted on our guests to volunteer to participate rather than being chosen. They played along quite well! 

In our world of Facebook, Twitter, text, the quantity of social connections has increased drastically. Because we still have 24 hours a day to work, sleep, and find space for everything else, there is partial focus on more relationships with dedicated focus to fewer relationships.

It's changing how people relate to one another. It's changing the level at which we trust one another when we get face to face. It's changing our culture of relationships. We're doing our best to learn to change with it so we can stay tuned in to how people relate to one another. It's not easy, but most things worth it rarely are.

Relationships matter.

That's not God's voice.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16

A person told me recently, "Whenever I try to spend time alone, talking to God, or focusing on God, I can't stop thinking about all the bad things I've done. I even asked him, 'God, I'm trying to spend time with you. Why do you keep bringing all that stuff up over and over?'"

That's not God's voice. That's the voice of shame. I hate how badly our image of God confuses people.

Do you believe you've been forgiven? Many people say, "Well, I think so, but then why won't all the bad stuff I've done go away? I guess that I know God forgives me but I just can't forgive myself."

Here's how I try to help people make sense of it and move beyond it to become the person God created us to be .

Accept the forgiveness that Jesus died to give us. Accept it. When you think of the sin, the bad stuff, again, tell yourself, "Jesus has already forgiven me. I am forgiven. I very much regret what I've done. Thank God I am forgiven. I can and will learn from this." What you're experiencing after forgiveness is regret. Forgiveness heals guilt. Seeing how your life is made new through the experiences and lessons we learn, (aka "redeemed"), lessens the feelings of regret over time.

"Satan sees you for who you were. Jesus sees you for who you want to be." - Dr. Bob Laurent.

Investing Time

This is a picture of my in-laws, Jay & MaryAnn. They are in their 70's, and they drove to Maryland this past summer to spend a few days visiting our son and his bride. They're like that. 

They've been intentional to spend time with their grandkids over the years. They called to express interest in their lives, ask questions, and just really care. They still do, and our kids are happy to spend time with them.

They've treated me the same way. I met them when I was 17 years old, and it's how I've watched them do life for the last 30+ years. They're great in-laws, and they've been great parents to me! I love them. I'm grateful for how they've loved their son, my husband. 

I've heard other grandparents (or parents) say that their grandchildren (or children) don't care about them. It's hard when family doesn't want to be with you. I don't have any magical answers for it.

I do know that Jay & MaryAnn haven't tried to make us care about them. They've focused on loving well. Period. They express care for others. They're just enjoyable to be around.

They head to Florida now for the winters. We're spending some time this week hanging out with them, sitting on their patio; we read and nap between pages of our books, and about the biggest decision each day is where to eat dinner! It's a privilege and a pleasure to spend time with them.

A time to speak.

A group leader talked to me about a guy in his group.

"He talks all the time about himself. I feel bad saying this. It's almost boring, and it takes a lot of energy to just listen to him."

I asked, "What if you tell him what it's like for you to be with him? If' it's that way in the group, is this why he could be having problems with his wife, with his family, and has difficulty getting close to others?"

"That's why this is so confusing. That doesn't seem Christ-like. I want to be Christ-like." I love the humility and desire of his heart.

"It appears that you have relationship and position to speak into this person's life. Will you care enough about this person to make yourself uncomfortable and have a difficult conversation? Jesus cared enough about us to die, so I guess Christ-like is caring enough to set your needs aside.

Here's a rule of thumb that I've found helpful to use as a guide: If I really want to tell someone something, I should keep quiet. If I really don't want to tell someone something, I probably should. I trust you to decide.

The other person may or may not appreciate it. Try to enter the conversation gently to see if they are in a place where they will be able to hear you. You might try, "What's it like for you to be in our group? What have you noticed about others in the group when you're talking?' It may open the door for you to tell him what it's like for you personally.

You'll need to listen well and not force it. If they become defensive, that's your clue. They aren't ready to hear."

So, that's how I coach our group leaders at GCC. I hope it's helpful.

Thank someone.

I was watching news reports this morning of the earthquake in Haiti. The president was interviewed and his words were different than what I've heard other leaders do in similar times of crisis. When asked what he'd like the American people to know, he didn't talk of how much more they needed. He simply said that he wanted the United States to know how thankful his country was for our generosity.

He was grateful. It was powerful. 

From those who participated in the annual Food Drop, many recipients were so very thankful for the gift. Food bank organizations couldn't get over the generosity being shown to them -- they were being helped so they could help others!

When we help others, the part that seems to touch us most is the response of the recipients. When they are overwhelmed with surprise or gratefulness, it moves us! We played a part. We made a difference. It's an incredible feeling! 

What if we flip it around? What if we try to help others see the difference they make? Take a few moments and notice what those who love you do you for you. (Yes, it means that you'll have to stop grumbling about what they haven't done!)

What have you taken for granted? What have you come to expect? (This is not about making sure your thoughtfulness is appreciated! Yes, we all take one another for granted. Go first!) Let others know how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness.

"Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtfulness." It's really quite simple, but simple isn't always easy.

 

No Formula

Starting Point is our group environment for people looking to meet some other people at GCC, make some friends, etc. The focus is social. Yes, social stuff is holy stuff.

There are separate spaces based on marital status: single or married.

Whether your single or single again, we have Starting Point for Singles is the space; it's not a place to look for a date (although you may meet someone you can date after the 6 weeks, we're intentional about stating that openly) -- it's simply a place to meet some people in a similar life stage. 

Whether your a couple or a married individual, Starting Point for Married is the space; it's not a place for marriage enrichment (although meeting others may enrich your marriage) -- it's simply a place to meet some people in a similar life stage. 

That all being said, it is THE MOST challenging space to plan the content! Meeting people is uncomfortable. Laughter and fun help to make meeting people more comfortable. This is why it's so darn difficult!

• What's fun for one person may be miserable to another.
• What's fun for one person may make someone else too vulnerable.
• What's fun one time, and even fun when it's repeated for a second session, is no longer fun when it becomes stale and predictable.

Ok. I just had to whine a bit. I'm over it now. I just want people to have a great time so they can meet some people, make some friends, and love one another well! Register here and join the fun Monday, January 11, 6:30 p.m.